Its been quite a while since I posted on this blog and I have avoided posting anything about my dad to date but as he has now passed away I feel I can now write and tell you all what we (as a family have been going through).
3 years ago my lovely dad had a stroke initially it was thought we had caught it early and after a long time in hospital and medication he eventually came home then just over a year ago he had another stroke this time it was worse and he didn't come home instead he ended up in a nursing home being unable to eat, blind in one eye, unable to talk or have a conversation and incontinent, I was devastated and for the past year I've been busy going up and down to Somerset visiting, then in May this year I had a phone call from my brother telling me dad was in his last days. Myself and my brother watched my dad pass away a peaceful calm death at the age of 75 after struggling with the effects of strokes for the past 3 years. Its been a little over 4 weeks since he passed and the grief is all consuming, its in everything I do, I try and try to get on with things but I keep returning to dad. This is so so hard, I loved him so much, he was a quiet man but as my grandma said "a true gentleman". I miss his sparkling blue eyes, his calm serene nature and his unconditional love for all his family. Dealing with death of a loved one brings life into sharp focus again, just like it did when I was first dx, life continues but its never the same there is always going to be a dad shaped hole in my life.
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Friday, 21 June 2019
Monday, 22 October 2018
Life on anti-depressants
Anti-depressants have become a part of the my life, I never expected that I would have to take medication for depression although looking back I've always been more depressive than upbeat. After being dx I thought I was doing fine, in fact with lack of oestrogen I wasn't as moody as before, leading me to believe that my mood swings were a result of out of balance hormones. Initially I was put on anti-d's for the menopausal symptoms to alleviate the hot flushes caused by an early chemical menopause (which by the way are still as horrendous as they always were) this worked for a while but eventually they stopped working and I am now back in the hot and sweaty position I was before. Trouble is I can't seem to get off them. I want to come off them as they aren't working for what I they were prescribed for. Of course I realise I probably wouldn't of been able to cope with what life has chucked at me over the past 7 years if it wasn't for the tablets.
The best way of describing being on anti-d's is that :
Normal life is full of a rainbow of colours, dazzling,vibrant, bright and alive, once your on anti-d's this rainbow doesn't stop but its muted, toned down, nothing is as bright as before, everything feels safe, everything feels beige.......
The thing is life isn't beige, things happen, life throws curve balls in all shapes and forms, sometimes its amazingly wonderful and at other times its hard to fathom how to cope. I feel dumbed down, on the one hand I don't get stressed out about ANYTHING and I mean anything, everyone tells me how well I cope with my dx but really I don't give a shit because I'm living in the safety of a beige world where nothing touches me, apart from my dad having 2 strokes and is now in nursing home that really upset me and I actually found myself crying but not for long as the ant-d's take the edge off of everything.
Im going to try and ween myself off of them in an attempt to feel like me again. I need the colour back in my life, I need to be me again in all my kaleidoscope of colours.
The best way of describing being on anti-d's is that :
Normal life is full of a rainbow of colours, dazzling,vibrant, bright and alive, once your on anti-d's this rainbow doesn't stop but its muted, toned down, nothing is as bright as before, everything feels safe, everything feels beige.......
The thing is life isn't beige, things happen, life throws curve balls in all shapes and forms, sometimes its amazingly wonderful and at other times its hard to fathom how to cope. I feel dumbed down, on the one hand I don't get stressed out about ANYTHING and I mean anything, everyone tells me how well I cope with my dx but really I don't give a shit because I'm living in the safety of a beige world where nothing touches me, apart from my dad having 2 strokes and is now in nursing home that really upset me and I actually found myself crying but not for long as the ant-d's take the edge off of everything.
Im going to try and ween myself off of them in an attempt to feel like me again. I need the colour back in my life, I need to be me again in all my kaleidoscope of colours.
Monday, 21 May 2018
The cost of cancer....
Its taken me a long time to write this post mainly because of the stigma attached to claiming any sort of benefit especially if your disability is invisible ie: your not in a wheel chair. Living with any type of cancer is expensive, it costs just to keep you alive as the pharmacy companies that develop life saving drugs charge a kings ransom and in fact some members of the general public believe it is costing them (in there taxes and NI contribution) a small fortune to keep "cancer patients alive" and that its "not cost effective" quoted by someone who shall remain nameless but I can assure you has pointed this out to me on several occasions, exclaiming that "if I got cancer I wouldn't do chemo or any of the drugs" uh like you know what its like to live with cancer!!! Anyway I deviate so cancer costs everyone a lot of money, from the NHS, the general public and also us cancer patients.
Living with cancer is so expensive, back in 2011 when I was dx I didn't imagine in my wildest dreams that a) I would still be here and b) that it would make life so dam difficult if I did survive.
Initially when I was dx my partner had too work extra hard to make ends meet, he was also taking me to hospital, caring for me at home, doing all the domestics as well as watching the person he loved falling apart. He is my ROCK and has continued to be throughout this whole nightmare. At the time I was dx I had been made redundant and was not working anyway (although I do think this may of caused undue stress and perhaps contributed to my getting cancer in the first place) after a year I applied for DLA and after a small fight received it this carried on until earlier this year when the government replaced the benefit for PIP (which is just another way for the the politicians to claw back money, make themselves look smart for saving money whilst paying themselves extortionate amount of money and lining there own pockets). The outrage this new benefit has caused targeting the disabled is criminal. My illness is invisible, I am not in a wheel chair however that doesn't mean to say that living with an incurable disease doesn't have its disabilities. Chemo changed me forever, it put me into early, chemical menopause leaving me with a multitude of severe side effects ranging from hot flushes (not as innocent as it sounds), massive weight gain (5 stone for the first time ever in my life and its not budging no matter what I do) huge mood swings, depression. Then onto drug side effects Herceptin isn't supposed to have side effects but I am here to tell you for me personally it does, ranging from bad feet (toenails falling off, terrible dry skin and itching) to migraines which can and do occur regularly ie: 4 a week! The only way to get rid of the migraines is to take Sumatriptan which in tern has its own side effects, worryingly it affects my bone density and has contributed to the latest worry and hospital stay (see last post), taking anti-hormonal medication to stop my cancer from feeding on oestrogen also cause a plethora of side effects, mainly joint pain (also can cause osteoporosis) affecting bone density, leaving me like an old lady and some days barely able to walk. So there you have it all of which affect my day to day living. This sounds like I am having a moan but I'm simply illustrating how debilitating living with this disease is. It goes without saying I am eternally grateful to still be here but it's at a cost. I also take supplements and since my DLA has stopped can no longer afford to take them, so I am now in the horrible position of freaking out about not taking supplements that might of contributed to my stable status. As always I worry is it going to come back or spread further now that I am not taking these supplements. My partner is a builder and doesn't earn that much money, I earn no money and now I'm in the worst position possible. We rent our home and just about cover the bills, cutting down on food and not putting the heating on, or using water, watching every penny, It wasn't like we were flush with money before when I was on benefit, the benefit covered my supplement cost and alternative therapies and gave me an independent quality of life. Now I am totally supported by my partner, if he leaves me where will I be (not that he would but what if) life is hard enough without all this added worry and I feel utterly depressed about the whole situation, I've actually been wondering what is the point in fighting/surviving cancer its making me that upset and ill.
Leading me back to the main reason for this post. Earlier this year whilst I was in the middle of moving house the DLA wrote to me inviting me to apply for PIP I was so busy moving house and dealing with my dad who has had yet another stroke and was in hospital, I couldn't deal with it and left it, they stopped my money very very quickly in January even though I was awarded it up until March this year. Since then I have had no money of my own and at this point would like to add that I worked and paid into the system all of my life up until I got made redundant. I've applied for jobs but I don't even get an interview, as most of my new life is made up of hospital and Dr's appointments or dealing with the after effects of drugs and cancer getting a full time job is impossible and any job that I would get would have to put up with me being off ill regularly, given the choice between ill person and well person if I was an employer I know which one I would choose. So back to what am I going to do? Honestly I don't know what to do! I suppose the DLA thought I'd be dead by now must be a massive inconvenience for them to find that I am still alive.
Anyone got any ideas how I'm going to cope? or any suggestions? or information on benefits I can claim other than dole money. I can't claim dole as I can't be available for work all the time as my illness makes it impossible to get a job. This is my current status and I reiterate the title of this post Cancer costs money.......
Living with cancer is so expensive, back in 2011 when I was dx I didn't imagine in my wildest dreams that a) I would still be here and b) that it would make life so dam difficult if I did survive.
Initially when I was dx my partner had too work extra hard to make ends meet, he was also taking me to hospital, caring for me at home, doing all the domestics as well as watching the person he loved falling apart. He is my ROCK and has continued to be throughout this whole nightmare. At the time I was dx I had been made redundant and was not working anyway (although I do think this may of caused undue stress and perhaps contributed to my getting cancer in the first place) after a year I applied for DLA and after a small fight received it this carried on until earlier this year when the government replaced the benefit for PIP (which is just another way for the the politicians to claw back money, make themselves look smart for saving money whilst paying themselves extortionate amount of money and lining there own pockets). The outrage this new benefit has caused targeting the disabled is criminal. My illness is invisible, I am not in a wheel chair however that doesn't mean to say that living with an incurable disease doesn't have its disabilities. Chemo changed me forever, it put me into early, chemical menopause leaving me with a multitude of severe side effects ranging from hot flushes (not as innocent as it sounds), massive weight gain (5 stone for the first time ever in my life and its not budging no matter what I do) huge mood swings, depression. Then onto drug side effects Herceptin isn't supposed to have side effects but I am here to tell you for me personally it does, ranging from bad feet (toenails falling off, terrible dry skin and itching) to migraines which can and do occur regularly ie: 4 a week! The only way to get rid of the migraines is to take Sumatriptan which in tern has its own side effects, worryingly it affects my bone density and has contributed to the latest worry and hospital stay (see last post), taking anti-hormonal medication to stop my cancer from feeding on oestrogen also cause a plethora of side effects, mainly joint pain (also can cause osteoporosis) affecting bone density, leaving me like an old lady and some days barely able to walk. So there you have it all of which affect my day to day living. This sounds like I am having a moan but I'm simply illustrating how debilitating living with this disease is. It goes without saying I am eternally grateful to still be here but it's at a cost. I also take supplements and since my DLA has stopped can no longer afford to take them, so I am now in the horrible position of freaking out about not taking supplements that might of contributed to my stable status. As always I worry is it going to come back or spread further now that I am not taking these supplements. My partner is a builder and doesn't earn that much money, I earn no money and now I'm in the worst position possible. We rent our home and just about cover the bills, cutting down on food and not putting the heating on, or using water, watching every penny, It wasn't like we were flush with money before when I was on benefit, the benefit covered my supplement cost and alternative therapies and gave me an independent quality of life. Now I am totally supported by my partner, if he leaves me where will I be (not that he would but what if) life is hard enough without all this added worry and I feel utterly depressed about the whole situation, I've actually been wondering what is the point in fighting/surviving cancer its making me that upset and ill.
Leading me back to the main reason for this post. Earlier this year whilst I was in the middle of moving house the DLA wrote to me inviting me to apply for PIP I was so busy moving house and dealing with my dad who has had yet another stroke and was in hospital, I couldn't deal with it and left it, they stopped my money very very quickly in January even though I was awarded it up until March this year. Since then I have had no money of my own and at this point would like to add that I worked and paid into the system all of my life up until I got made redundant. I've applied for jobs but I don't even get an interview, as most of my new life is made up of hospital and Dr's appointments or dealing with the after effects of drugs and cancer getting a full time job is impossible and any job that I would get would have to put up with me being off ill regularly, given the choice between ill person and well person if I was an employer I know which one I would choose. So back to what am I going to do? Honestly I don't know what to do! I suppose the DLA thought I'd be dead by now must be a massive inconvenience for them to find that I am still alive.
Anyone got any ideas how I'm going to cope? or any suggestions? or information on benefits I can claim other than dole money. I can't claim dole as I can't be available for work all the time as my illness makes it impossible to get a job. This is my current status and I reiterate the title of this post Cancer costs money.......
Tuesday, 20 January 2015
Life carries on......
It's been a little over a month since my best friends partner died suddenly, we've had the funeral and the awkward first visit afterwards helped by having a bonfire in his name. The emotional side of this has really hit me I can't stand that she has to endure this, she looks so lost and frail at the moment. I am trying all I can to help her carry on because thats what she has too do carry on. In a weird way I do understand exactly what she's going through although my own death was in the form of my old life pre cancer days, its hard but you have to pick yourself up you can't live a life engulfed by grief there has to be an end to the perpetual tears and what if's, its early days for my friend and I am living proof that you do and can get over what appears to be the insurmountable.
So moving forwards, here we are again another Xmas I am truly grateful to be seeing it even though I've had a quite a few nasty hospital experiences this year I am doing ok and starting to feel actually happy for the first time in such a long time, my view of the world has forever changed and although I've grown and moved forward I can honestly say that I've also picked up some virtues I didn't think I would ever accept as part of me. Since dx I don't suffer fools very easily, I tell people how I see it warts and all approach if they don't like it so bloody what! in the words of Cheryl "I don't care" and I really don't. This is not a bad thing as some might think its a mark of becoming strong and having the courage to face life head on not accepting any shit is important, I realise before I was a bit flaky and a doormat. Not anymore. Please don't miss understand me I am not a hard nut I am still compassionate, caring and loving but I don't take no shit not anymore.
So moving forwards, here we are again another Xmas I am truly grateful to be seeing it even though I've had a quite a few nasty hospital experiences this year I am doing ok and starting to feel actually happy for the first time in such a long time, my view of the world has forever changed and although I've grown and moved forward I can honestly say that I've also picked up some virtues I didn't think I would ever accept as part of me. Since dx I don't suffer fools very easily, I tell people how I see it warts and all approach if they don't like it so bloody what! in the words of Cheryl "I don't care" and I really don't. This is not a bad thing as some might think its a mark of becoming strong and having the courage to face life head on not accepting any shit is important, I realise before I was a bit flaky and a doormat. Not anymore. Please don't miss understand me I am not a hard nut I am still compassionate, caring and loving but I don't take no shit not anymore.
Tuesday, 13 August 2013
Natures Nudge.....
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| Stretchy Ted xx |
Monday, 10 June 2013
Important questions to ask yourself.....
Last night whilst in bed reading the wonderful book by Dr Brian Weiss http://www.brianweiss.com/ title 'Miracles Happen' which delves into past life regression therapy chronicling patients stories and Dr Brian's synopsis totally brilliant and fascinating. I came across this paragraph in the chapter entitled 'Freedom from emotional pain' it has struck a cord within me and today I have woken up feeling different.
"We have to juggle work, relationships, and interactions with other people at every moment. We have to deal with our daily needs. And so forget that we are spiritual beings, which leads to emotional turmoil. Spiritual beings should think and behave like spiritual beings; that is our nature and ultimate destiny. But when circumstances of everyday life lead us astray and we forget our true nature, that is when sorrow, worry, and fear enter. That is when peace, joy and happiness exit.
All we have to do is remember: remember who we are and what we are, what we have been through, where we have come from, why we are here. As we do this, emotional healing will naturally follow."
It made me think and I am going to conduct a sort of experiment and see if it works, I am going to re-read this paragraph everytime I start to feel overwhelmed and frustrated, as always I will keep you all informed as too my progress.
"We have to juggle work, relationships, and interactions with other people at every moment. We have to deal with our daily needs. And so forget that we are spiritual beings, which leads to emotional turmoil. Spiritual beings should think and behave like spiritual beings; that is our nature and ultimate destiny. But when circumstances of everyday life lead us astray and we forget our true nature, that is when sorrow, worry, and fear enter. That is when peace, joy and happiness exit.
All we have to do is remember: remember who we are and what we are, what we have been through, where we have come from, why we are here. As we do this, emotional healing will naturally follow."
It made me think and I am going to conduct a sort of experiment and see if it works, I am going to re-read this paragraph everytime I start to feel overwhelmed and frustrated, as always I will keep you all informed as too my progress.
Saturday, 27 April 2013
Newquay and a new life.....
Apologies for not posting recently but after Fran's passing I just couldn't face anything to do with breast cancer and dipped off the scene for a while.
MRI still no conclusive results and I've phoned them still no answers as soon as I have the results I will post and hopefully start the process of changing hospitals to Taunton.
My partner who has been out of work for quite some time has finally landed a nice big fat job its over in Newquay a private holiday home, converting a garage into a bedroom and adding an extra utility room on, so finally after this job is finished we should be in a position financially to move yay!!! Some of you might be thinking "why does she want to leave the gorgeous South Devon coastline?" in answer to that its because seriously there is no opportunity down here, no jobs or prospects we live a hand to mouth existence and I've lived this way for a very long time (9 years!!), also I want to be nearer my friends and family who at present are 100 miles away up near Bristol its not that far away but its far enough to only go up every couple of months especially when you have no spare cash, so as much as I know its going to be a wrench to move and I'm sure I will feel torn in two over it I think ultimately it will be better for both of us. Lee will have more work and I'm thinking of returning to college for a year to do teacher training something I don't think we would be able to afford to do down here, so its all change for me, but its good and positive. The job over in Newquay will take around 3 months to complete and we will be operating between the two places over the summer, this I am looking forward to as I can have a nice change of scenery and do some more painting, lets hope its a hot and sunny summer.
The downside of all of this is that I don't think I will be posting as often or frequently as I have been, so please don't think the worst if I don't post for a while.
MRI still no conclusive results and I've phoned them still no answers as soon as I have the results I will post and hopefully start the process of changing hospitals to Taunton.
My partner who has been out of work for quite some time has finally landed a nice big fat job its over in Newquay a private holiday home, converting a garage into a bedroom and adding an extra utility room on, so finally after this job is finished we should be in a position financially to move yay!!! Some of you might be thinking "why does she want to leave the gorgeous South Devon coastline?" in answer to that its because seriously there is no opportunity down here, no jobs or prospects we live a hand to mouth existence and I've lived this way for a very long time (9 years!!), also I want to be nearer my friends and family who at present are 100 miles away up near Bristol its not that far away but its far enough to only go up every couple of months especially when you have no spare cash, so as much as I know its going to be a wrench to move and I'm sure I will feel torn in two over it I think ultimately it will be better for both of us. Lee will have more work and I'm thinking of returning to college for a year to do teacher training something I don't think we would be able to afford to do down here, so its all change for me, but its good and positive. The job over in Newquay will take around 3 months to complete and we will be operating between the two places over the summer, this I am looking forward to as I can have a nice change of scenery and do some more painting, lets hope its a hot and sunny summer.
The downside of all of this is that I don't think I will be posting as often or frequently as I have been, so please don't think the worst if I don't post for a while.
Tuesday, 26 March 2013
Words of wonder to warm the heart.....
Going through my old box of memories I found a couple of sheets of paper with the wise and wonderful words of Brian L. Weiss I think I photocopied them over 10 years ago from his book 'Only Love Is Real' re-reading them has made me sit up and ponder, they resonate with me on every level. Here's a link to his website and books http://www.brianweiss.com/about-the-books/ if your interested.
A reflection on life through the drinking of tea by eminent Vietnamese Buddist monk and philosopher Thich Nhat Hanh :
"You must be completely awake in the present to enjoy tea. Only in the awareness of the present can your hands feel the pleasant warmth of the cup. Only in the present can you savour the aroma, taste the sweetness, appreciate the delicacy. If you are ruminating about the past or worrying about the future, you will completely miss the experience of enjoying the cup of tea. You will look down at the cup, and the tea will be gone.
Life is like that. If you are not fully in the present, you will look around and it will be gone. You will have missed the feel, the aroma, the delicacy and beauty of life. It will seem to be speeding past you.
The past is finished. Learn from it and let it go, the future is not even here yet. Plan for it, but do not waste your time worrying about it. Worrying is worthless. When you stop ruminating about what has already happened, when you stop worrying about what might never happen, then you will be in the present moment. Then you will begin to experience joy in life."
Extract taken from "Only Love Is Real" by Brian L. Weiss.
A reflection on life through the drinking of tea by eminent Vietnamese Buddist monk and philosopher Thich Nhat Hanh :
"You must be completely awake in the present to enjoy tea. Only in the awareness of the present can your hands feel the pleasant warmth of the cup. Only in the present can you savour the aroma, taste the sweetness, appreciate the delicacy. If you are ruminating about the past or worrying about the future, you will completely miss the experience of enjoying the cup of tea. You will look down at the cup, and the tea will be gone.
Life is like that. If you are not fully in the present, you will look around and it will be gone. You will have missed the feel, the aroma, the delicacy and beauty of life. It will seem to be speeding past you.
The past is finished. Learn from it and let it go, the future is not even here yet. Plan for it, but do not waste your time worrying about it. Worrying is worthless. When you stop ruminating about what has already happened, when you stop worrying about what might never happen, then you will be in the present moment. Then you will begin to experience joy in life."
Extract taken from "Only Love Is Real" by Brian L. Weiss.
Thursday, 10 January 2013
How to 'Live in the Moment'....
Living in the moment doesn't mean you shouldn't care about the future, or do reckless, irresponsible things. It means that when you make a choice to do something, you focus on actually doing it, rather than letting your mind dwell on the future (or past).
Living in the moment is all about living like there's no tomorrow. To do this, you must realize beauty in every moment, and in everyday activities. It’s a conscious act that requires participation, not just observation, but the reward is a richer, fuller life. This is your life, now live!
1. Dance like nobody's watching. While you may or may not like dancing, no matter who's not watching, the idea embodied in those 4 words sums the entire experience of living in the moment.
If you care—if you even consider—who's looking, you're performing. Your goal is to dance well, to impress (or at least not disappoint) your audience. To live in the moment, to "dance like nobody's watching," you have to forget about performing for others and simply accept the moment for what it is.
2. Take notice of the world. No matter what you're doing, notice the moments that surround you.
Maybe on your way to work or school, you go over a beautiful bridge, or you get a view of the sunrise behind the city buildings.
When you walk down the street, look at the way the light reflects off the buildings, the tree line, and the birds that manage to nest in random corners and cracks. The simple act of tilting your chin can give you a whole new perspective on the place you live.
Really look at a flower. Okay, so you know it’s pretty. What is pretty? What does it smell like, besides itself? How many petals does it have? Do the leaves spiral up the stem like a staircase or branch out on opposite sides every now and then? Are there any bugs going about their lives on this plant? Do you think they’re even aware of your existence?
Realizing that whether these things are great or small, you are part of that singular moment when all these things come together. When you realize you are a part of every moment that you've lived through, you'll be almost there. When you stop realizing it, and just live it, you will be all the way there.
3. Focus on what your doing. Even if you're just walking, or wiping the counter, or shuffling cards, how does it feel? There's probably some kind of commentary spinning through your mind, and it probably has to do with something other than what you're doing. Let those thoughts go and focus on what is (not what was, or what could be). In Buddhism, this is referred to as mindfulness.
Just breathe. When the moment begins to escape you, as it will certainly try to do, breathe. Take a very deep breath, through your nose, as deep as you can. Listen to the air moving into your body, and feel your lungs swell. Breathe out slowly through your mouth, letting the air escape on its own.
Pay attention to your other senses—touch, sight, smell, sound, and taste. Pretend it's the very last time you'll ever experience whatever you're experiencing. Have you ever been so engrossed in something that it seemed like the rest of the world just disappeared? Living in the moment is about creating that state of mind at any time, slow down and try to savor the present.
Listen to the world. The birds, the sounds of one car passing, the conversations of distant strangers, the cracks and creaks of the building as it heats and cools, the planes overhead, the footsteps of passers-by. The moment is all around you.
4. Smile when you wake up. You can set the tone of appreciation and awareness for the next 24 hours by simply waking up and smiling. Don't wake up with a groan and a smash of your alarm clock. There's scientific proof that the expressions that you make with your face can actually influence how you feel. In particular, true happiness is most closely tied to a Duchenne smile which involves smiling with your eyes, as well as your mouth.
5. Commit random, spontaneous acts of kindness. Whether it's donating 1 dollar to a fund at the pharmacy, picking up litter, or helping victims of natural disasters, keep alert in every moment of your day for some way in which you can make the world a better place. Even the smallest thing, like complimenting someone can bring joy. It's the most spontaneous and unexpected acts of kindness that produce the greatest impact, and you can't be sensitive to those kinds of opportunities unless you're living in the moment.
Have an old or sick neighbor who doesn’t get many visitors? Stop by with some cookies, a pot of coffee, or a jug of lemonade. If it’s someone who won’t let you leave once they’ve got your attention, dig in and enjoy their stories. People are a lot more interesting than you think.
Narrow down your absolute favorite shows, write them into your schedule, and only turn on the TV at those times. Like to nod off to late-night television? Try herbal tea instead. Channel-surf when you’re bored? Get a hobby. Watch game-shows during dinner? Cook yourself something special and savor every bite of it.
Children don't worry about the future; they play and enjoy every moment for what it is. They haven't yet learned too think ahead, or mull over the past, so take the opportunity to learn from them.
Forgive. Many of us carry grudges with us that haunt us, and those grudges also prevent us from opening our hearts to others because we're scared of getting hurt again.
Watch your breath, by noticing your breathing pattern your mind naturally quiets and pays more attention to the present moment.
Listen to music and enjoy it. Express yourself by dancing to it or singing along.
Participate in active conversation and engage in the subject matter with another human.
Think about how happy your good deed could make someone!
Living in the moment is all about living like there's no tomorrow. To do this, you must realize beauty in every moment, and in everyday activities. It’s a conscious act that requires participation, not just observation, but the reward is a richer, fuller life. This is your life, now live!
1. Dance like nobody's watching. While you may or may not like dancing, no matter who's not watching, the idea embodied in those 4 words sums the entire experience of living in the moment.
If you care—if you even consider—who's looking, you're performing. Your goal is to dance well, to impress (or at least not disappoint) your audience. To live in the moment, to "dance like nobody's watching," you have to forget about performing for others and simply accept the moment for what it is.
2. Take notice of the world. No matter what you're doing, notice the moments that surround you.
Maybe on your way to work or school, you go over a beautiful bridge, or you get a view of the sunrise behind the city buildings.
When you walk down the street, look at the way the light reflects off the buildings, the tree line, and the birds that manage to nest in random corners and cracks. The simple act of tilting your chin can give you a whole new perspective on the place you live.
Really look at a flower. Okay, so you know it’s pretty. What is pretty? What does it smell like, besides itself? How many petals does it have? Do the leaves spiral up the stem like a staircase or branch out on opposite sides every now and then? Are there any bugs going about their lives on this plant? Do you think they’re even aware of your existence?
Realizing that whether these things are great or small, you are part of that singular moment when all these things come together. When you realize you are a part of every moment that you've lived through, you'll be almost there. When you stop realizing it, and just live it, you will be all the way there.
3. Focus on what your doing. Even if you're just walking, or wiping the counter, or shuffling cards, how does it feel? There's probably some kind of commentary spinning through your mind, and it probably has to do with something other than what you're doing. Let those thoughts go and focus on what is (not what was, or what could be). In Buddhism, this is referred to as mindfulness.
Just breathe. When the moment begins to escape you, as it will certainly try to do, breathe. Take a very deep breath, through your nose, as deep as you can. Listen to the air moving into your body, and feel your lungs swell. Breathe out slowly through your mouth, letting the air escape on its own.
Pay attention to your other senses—touch, sight, smell, sound, and taste. Pretend it's the very last time you'll ever experience whatever you're experiencing. Have you ever been so engrossed in something that it seemed like the rest of the world just disappeared? Living in the moment is about creating that state of mind at any time, slow down and try to savor the present.
Listen to the world. The birds, the sounds of one car passing, the conversations of distant strangers, the cracks and creaks of the building as it heats and cools, the planes overhead, the footsteps of passers-by. The moment is all around you.
4. Smile when you wake up. You can set the tone of appreciation and awareness for the next 24 hours by simply waking up and smiling. Don't wake up with a groan and a smash of your alarm clock. There's scientific proof that the expressions that you make with your face can actually influence how you feel. In particular, true happiness is most closely tied to a Duchenne smile which involves smiling with your eyes, as well as your mouth.
Visualise all the good things that are going to happen to you today. Got a presentation to give? Imagine the laughs you’ll get for your jokes and the ovation you’ll receive at the end. Got a busy day of cleaning? Imagine how good it’ll feel to sit down with a delicious tea and admire your cozy living space when it’s all done.
Have an old or sick neighbor who doesn’t get many visitors? Stop by with some cookies, a pot of coffee, or a jug of lemonade. If it’s someone who won’t let you leave once they’ve got your attention, dig in and enjoy their stories. People are a lot more interesting than you think.
6. Minimise activities that dull your awareness of the moment. What are you doing that tempts your mind to run away from the present? For most people, watching television puts you in a passive state of mind, and time slips right by. Daydreaming and getting lost in a good movie or book isn't bad, but it's not living in the moment because it places your concentration on something that isn't right here, right now; it's a form of escapism. Don't zone out; zone in. Do things that are active, and that encourage you to look around and engage the world in that moment. Gardening, playing a game, knitting and playing an instrument are all activities that lend themselves to mindfulness. So get off the computer after reading this article!
Choose at least one day a week to turn off your cell phone, your computer, your radio, your TV, and whatever other gadgets you use to distract yourself. Spend that day riding your bike to a café, gardening, having a friend over for tea, drawing something you see out the window, or exploring a new area of your town or city.Narrow down your absolute favorite shows, write them into your schedule, and only turn on the TV at those times. Like to nod off to late-night television? Try herbal tea instead. Channel-surf when you’re bored? Get a hobby. Watch game-shows during dinner? Cook yourself something special and savor every bite of it.
7. Be thankful and grateful for what is. When you find yourself wishing for something you don't have, or wishing your life would be different, start your quest for your wish by being thankful for what is already in your life. This will bring you back to the present moment. Make a list of what you are thankful for right now, even if all you can think of is that you are alive and can breathe. You don't want to miss the gifts right in front of you, because you are always looking beyond what is in the present moment to what once was or what might be. If you are thankful for what is, you'll be happy to be in the moment – instead of dreaming about being happy someplace else.
and finally remember this.....
Children don't worry about the future; they play and enjoy every moment for what it is. They haven't yet learned too think ahead, or mull over the past, so take the opportunity to learn from them.
Forgive. Many of us carry grudges with us that haunt us, and those grudges also prevent us from opening our hearts to others because we're scared of getting hurt again.
Watch your breath, by noticing your breathing pattern your mind naturally quiets and pays more attention to the present moment.
Listen to music and enjoy it. Express yourself by dancing to it or singing along.
Participate in active conversation and engage in the subject matter with another human.
Think about how happy your good deed could make someone!
Sunday, 6 January 2013
Turning a corner.....Happy New Year.....
Ok its a bit belated but the New Year passed somewhat quietly on my own as my partner went over to be with his brothers for the evening and I was ill on the sofa with yet another migraine yipeee!! Any way the good news is I've just received a letter from the hospital telling me that my CT and Bone scans looked normal, what they mean is everything looks exactly as it was over a year ago, so a huge sigh of relief and now planning yes you heard me planning for the year.
There's quite a lot I need to achieve this year and I'm going to have to do it without any stress, here's a list of what's GOT to happen.
1. Move house, further up the line to Somerset to be nearer my family and friends, Devon is beautiful BUT its sort of tainted since all of this breast cancer crap and we haven't had an awful lot of luck living here, like I said totally stunning place but no jobs, hardly any friends (we've lived here for 8 years and hardly know anyone!), the locals aren't that friendly and we have problems with our rented flat, water coming in through the lounge and bedroom we have informed the landlords but they quite simply are not interested, the building needs a lot of money spent on it to bring it up to scratch and they just don't want to do it, also at xmas they gave us a box of biscuits and a xmas card with one hand and in the other a letter informing of a rent increase, which is pretty crap considering they haven't spent any money on the place and its freezing. Enough of the whinge about the flat and onwards and upwards.
So a definite move is on the cards.
2. Due to the anticipated move I am trying to streamline my possessions, so for the past few days I've been going through my stuff and putting stuff into boxes for car boot or charity shop, or just plain throwing stuff away that I've been holding onto and haven't looked at in years and years, cutting out the clutter is very very cleansing literally! So in the spirit of letting go......goodbye my piles old letters dating back to 1996!!! goodbye all the little bits of paper that I think I know I'll make a collage with that and then never do.... ta da and good riddance.
3. Dieting, well not so much dieting, but cutting out all the sugary chocolate treats and cakes that I've indulged in over the xmas period, no more crap! Just good ole healthy organic fresh food and juice. I have managed to keep up with the juicing now in nearly 2 years and regularly take my supplements, all I need to do now is too loose some of the treatment indued weight I've put on and try and regain a waist! Been watching the hairy dieters and I'm loving their food so will try out some of their recipes.
4. Get creative! It sounds simple especially as I am an artist BUT I have been struggling with this one ever since I was dx and think my lack of self confidence is probably the real culprit as too why my creative mojo has gone walk about! At the end of the month I am aiming to have some art works on the go and be ready to give an art lesson to the lady that does spiritual healing for me this might be the necessary kick up the bum I need to get myself going again.
5. TOTALLY GIVE UP ALL PROCESSED FOODS. (see next post)
So Happy New Year to you all, sending all love and light and as always 'Live in the Moment' and be happy xxxxx
There's quite a lot I need to achieve this year and I'm going to have to do it without any stress, here's a list of what's GOT to happen.
1. Move house, further up the line to Somerset to be nearer my family and friends, Devon is beautiful BUT its sort of tainted since all of this breast cancer crap and we haven't had an awful lot of luck living here, like I said totally stunning place but no jobs, hardly any friends (we've lived here for 8 years and hardly know anyone!), the locals aren't that friendly and we have problems with our rented flat, water coming in through the lounge and bedroom we have informed the landlords but they quite simply are not interested, the building needs a lot of money spent on it to bring it up to scratch and they just don't want to do it, also at xmas they gave us a box of biscuits and a xmas card with one hand and in the other a letter informing of a rent increase, which is pretty crap considering they haven't spent any money on the place and its freezing. Enough of the whinge about the flat and onwards and upwards.
So a definite move is on the cards.
2. Due to the anticipated move I am trying to streamline my possessions, so for the past few days I've been going through my stuff and putting stuff into boxes for car boot or charity shop, or just plain throwing stuff away that I've been holding onto and haven't looked at in years and years, cutting out the clutter is very very cleansing literally! So in the spirit of letting go......goodbye my piles old letters dating back to 1996!!! goodbye all the little bits of paper that I think I know I'll make a collage with that and then never do.... ta da and good riddance.
3. Dieting, well not so much dieting, but cutting out all the sugary chocolate treats and cakes that I've indulged in over the xmas period, no more crap! Just good ole healthy organic fresh food and juice. I have managed to keep up with the juicing now in nearly 2 years and regularly take my supplements, all I need to do now is too loose some of the treatment indued weight I've put on and try and regain a waist! Been watching the hairy dieters and I'm loving their food so will try out some of their recipes.
4. Get creative! It sounds simple especially as I am an artist BUT I have been struggling with this one ever since I was dx and think my lack of self confidence is probably the real culprit as too why my creative mojo has gone walk about! At the end of the month I am aiming to have some art works on the go and be ready to give an art lesson to the lady that does spiritual healing for me this might be the necessary kick up the bum I need to get myself going again.
5. TOTALLY GIVE UP ALL PROCESSED FOODS. (see next post)
So Happy New Year to you all, sending all love and light and as always 'Live in the Moment' and be happy xxxxx
Tuesday, 18 December 2012
The importance of being honest......
We have all heard of phrases like 'keeping it real, living in the here and now, being truthful with yourself' today I have been reminded that to be honest with oneself is the only way to be, some get by with living in denial, shoving it under the carpet and just plain pretending, me I live with it up close and personal somedays its sitting somewhere on my shoulders other days its in my face. We all have to come to terms with whatever it is that is challenging us whether that's our health our finances or family life we all live our lives as best we can taking each day one at a time.
Two things have prompted this post one is the passing of an old school friend who at the age of 44 passed away in her sleep on Friday night, she had a heart condition (same as her mother) she'd been out with her sisters and daughter that night and had a great time, went to bed and didn't wake up, shocking isn't it! I am glad she was spared the suffering and pain albeit she was taken way too young. The second by a fellow cancer patient who was worried about sharing the latest news of her disease progression and her decision to have chemo, as she is a self confessed juice junkie and advocate of alternative treatments she had up until now been successfully treating herself with a raw/juice diet and was worried about telling all her followers/readers of her decision
My advice to everyone reading this blog and anyone affected by the issues it raises, be kind to yourself and those around you no one knows when our time is up our bodies are just vehicles for the soul, all of us pass at some point and remember its not about the dying its about what we do whilst we are alive. Live for the moment.
Wishing you all a very merry xmas and a much much happier new year.
Love and light to all
xxxxxxxxx
Two things have prompted this post one is the passing of an old school friend who at the age of 44 passed away in her sleep on Friday night, she had a heart condition (same as her mother) she'd been out with her sisters and daughter that night and had a great time, went to bed and didn't wake up, shocking isn't it! I am glad she was spared the suffering and pain albeit she was taken way too young. The second by a fellow cancer patient who was worried about sharing the latest news of her disease progression and her decision to have chemo, as she is a self confessed juice junkie and advocate of alternative treatments she had up until now been successfully treating herself with a raw/juice diet and was worried about telling all her followers/readers of her decision
My advice to everyone reading this blog and anyone affected by the issues it raises, be kind to yourself and those around you no one knows when our time is up our bodies are just vehicles for the soul, all of us pass at some point and remember its not about the dying its about what we do whilst we are alive. Live for the moment.
Wishing you all a very merry xmas and a much much happier new year.
Love and light to all
xxxxxxxxx
Thursday, 15 November 2012
A moral tale from the well...........
Here's a short story that resonates with me on so many levels, I love it. Enjoy.xx
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
MORAL :
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happens.
3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less from people but more from yourself.
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
MORAL :
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happens.
3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less from people but more from yourself.
Saturday, 29 September 2012
Living in the moment.....
"Living in the moment" this phrase is something people have told me and vica versa, so what does it really mean to live in the moment, 10 point guide to living in the moment.
1. Own your time.
2. Decide and define what you want your moments to be about.
3. Don’t wait for the right moment to be alive.
4. Spend time with people who truly live the moments of their lives.
5. Minimise the number and effect of negative moments in your life.
6. Don’t invest in fights that you don’t need to win.
7. Make positive moments. Negative thoughts build fences and defenses. Positive people attract positive people who are doing positive things.
8. Know when you’re getting swept into the current and losing sight of the moments of your life.
9. Think of every moment as a chance to see more of yourself.
10. Curate and protect with bold intention.
1. Own your time.
Know that every moment you spend doing anything is a choice. All of the “have-tos” and the “musts do” are because you choose what doing them will bring. Time is the only resource we can’t renew. Invest it in experiences, places, and people that are meaningful to you.
2. Decide and define what you want your moments to be about.
Are you a learner? an explorer? a teacher? a risk taker? a rodeo clown? When you look back in the last moment of your life what sort of moments will you cherish most? Decide now to make more of them.
3. Don’t wait for the right moment to be alive.
Stop yourself several times a day to look at the sky, to experience the environment you’re in, to hear your own thoughts as they move through your mind. Don’t wait for the someday to try something new.
4. Spend time with people who truly live the moments of their lives.
We slowly become what we look at most. If we hang with the best role models, we can learn the pros.
5. Minimise the number and effect of negative moments in your life.
Let go of anger and pain. Carrying around memories of bad times gets in the way of what we might be experiencing now.
6. Don’t invest in fights that you don’t need to win.
Who has time to argue about silly things? Meet with your friends in the places where you build things, not in the places where things get torn down.
7. Make positive moments. Negative thoughts build fences and defenses. Positive people attract positive people who are doing positive things.
8. Know when you’re getting swept into the current and losing sight of the moments of your life.
It will be a need to speed up. Then it will be some sort of stress. Stop to reflect on who you are, where you are, what you value, and how you want to live your life. Stretch.
9. Think of every moment as a chance to see more of yourself.
Take small risks that push your ideas and ideals. Living is growing. Expand every moment into memory of a life.
10. Curate and protect with bold intention.
Let the people and places you care about know that part of living your life is dedicated to them.
Friday, 14 September 2012
The bigger picture.....
Yesterday was a complete wash out here, it just would not let up on the rain, we have enough now!!!! Unfortunately due to the weather and yet another migraine I was forced into a sofa and pj's day, instead of going over to Glastonbury as previously posted, so cant report on that at the moment although will be driving in the next couple of weeks to collect the Red Spring waters.
Since being dx with this disease I have been forced to look at the world through renewed eyes (no rose tinted specks for me!!!) this new way of being has led to some life altering special moments. These poignant reminders of our fragility those special moments that say loud and clear THINK ABOUT IT or TAKE NOTICE, are normally very few and far between in an ordinary life but to someone afflicted with a life threatening prognosis they can come thick and fast. My most recent 'moment' came whilst watching the BBC 2 Horizon programme http://www.bbc.co.uk/i/b01mgllj/ all about mapping the universe, yes thats right they are mapping the universe, crazy but true, now I'm no brain of britain so some of what they talk about goes over my head like blah blah and general babble, occasionally some of it actually seeps into the old grey matter and I have a eureka moment. Its hard to put into words exactly what I have realised but something has twigged inside and brings me enormous comfort, maybe its the imagery they use in the programme showing you how infinite the universe is, the size of it is just mind boggling, our planet looks like nothing more than a speck of dust in the whole scheme of things, or maybe its because when you actually think about it you are faced with life's ultimate questions, the meaning and purpose you cannot deny the existence of something else, something totally awesome you just can't contemplate it. People dress this up as religion or god and I never doubt that there is an existence beyond the one we are bound to live on this planet, I believe in spirit and soul, I cannot accept that when we die that is it, we witness miracles everyday and the wonder of nature constantly.
Since being dx with this disease I have been forced to look at the world through renewed eyes (no rose tinted specks for me!!!) this new way of being has led to some life altering special moments. These poignant reminders of our fragility those special moments that say loud and clear THINK ABOUT IT or TAKE NOTICE, are normally very few and far between in an ordinary life but to someone afflicted with a life threatening prognosis they can come thick and fast. My most recent 'moment' came whilst watching the BBC 2 Horizon programme http://www.bbc.co.uk/i/b01mgllj/ all about mapping the universe, yes thats right they are mapping the universe, crazy but true, now I'm no brain of britain so some of what they talk about goes over my head like blah blah and general babble, occasionally some of it actually seeps into the old grey matter and I have a eureka moment. Its hard to put into words exactly what I have realised but something has twigged inside and brings me enormous comfort, maybe its the imagery they use in the programme showing you how infinite the universe is, the size of it is just mind boggling, our planet looks like nothing more than a speck of dust in the whole scheme of things, or maybe its because when you actually think about it you are faced with life's ultimate questions, the meaning and purpose you cannot deny the existence of something else, something totally awesome you just can't contemplate it. People dress this up as religion or god and I never doubt that there is an existence beyond the one we are bound to live on this planet, I believe in spirit and soul, I cannot accept that when we die that is it, we witness miracles everyday and the wonder of nature constantly.
Tuesday, 31 July 2012
A moment of clarity
Apologies to anyone who was offended by my last post but its true I really did need to get that off my chest and out into the open, now I can move on and have found that quite profound words are coming to me from out of the blue.
If you live like each day is your last you appreciate the tiny things in life so much more, if you were told that this day is your last would you choose to spend it cleaning out the closet? or would you choose to spend it with friends family? what is important to you? how would you choose to spend the last day of your life? This is the question I am faced with at the start of every day, and it is the difference between living with cancer and living without cancer, there can be no off days, no lazy days, no wasteful days, everything has purpose and meaning even the mundane has a relevance.
I am living with cancer therefore I am living without the luxury of ignorance or complacency, the daily struggles that everyone takes for granted are no longer presented as an annoyance they are challenges, obstacles to be approached with courage and an open mind. My life before cancer was like walking around with your eyes shut, I feel like I have woken up, I am aware, my intelligence, my soul, and my heart are revived I am seeing with fresh eyes and feeling with new emotions. I believe we all with cancer or without need to ponder our existence, stop taking life for granted, people need to experience life as though they were children once again, what advice would you give to your child like self?
If you live like each day is your last you appreciate the tiny things in life so much more, if you were told that this day is your last would you choose to spend it cleaning out the closet? or would you choose to spend it with friends family? what is important to you? how would you choose to spend the last day of your life? This is the question I am faced with at the start of every day, and it is the difference between living with cancer and living without cancer, there can be no off days, no lazy days, no wasteful days, everything has purpose and meaning even the mundane has a relevance.
I am living with cancer therefore I am living without the luxury of ignorance or complacency, the daily struggles that everyone takes for granted are no longer presented as an annoyance they are challenges, obstacles to be approached with courage and an open mind. My life before cancer was like walking around with your eyes shut, I feel like I have woken up, I am aware, my intelligence, my soul, and my heart are revived I am seeing with fresh eyes and feeling with new emotions. I believe we all with cancer or without need to ponder our existence, stop taking life for granted, people need to experience life as though they were children once again, what advice would you give to your child like self?
Sunday, 29 July 2012
Better out than in.....
A quick up date on how things are going, well the bites have disappeared thankfully just as the sun decides to make an appearance finally!!!!! The statement "it never rains and then it pours" is literally what we have been experiencing in the uk, fingers and toes crossed this weather will hold out for what is left of our pathetic summer!
The reason I'm writing today is that the old saying "better out than in..." came to mind and I am now starting to take notice of sub-conscious messages so here goes. I've been kind of ok for a while now getting on with day to day life, minding my own business and concentrating on making myself healthy and well, plenty of organic green juices and supplements being taken, exercise is a little rusty too be honest need to get my walking shoes on and get out there, I'm blaming my lack of exercise on the wet weather and I'm sticking to that lol. I've been getting on with things and not particularly depressed (which is great, I was a secret depression addict prior to dx) I have realised a few things, namely that I need to have a clear out of my emotional dirty laundry, need to get a few things off my chest and out of my system.
Before I was dx I was one of those people that would get really wound up by other peoples insensitivity, of course I am blessed with a hyper sensitive nature one of my friends used to describe me as an "emotional sponge" what she meant was that I would soak up all the emotional highs and lows of anyone in my circle, I realise this is not a very good trait mainly because it means I am overloading on everyone else's shit as well as my own and then well then somethings got to give.
Regular readers will know I have been reading Bernie Seigel's book 'Love, Medicine and Miracles' I am at the point in the book where he talks about what he's learnt as a surgeon dealing with cancer patients all day every day and that there is a common personality trait of the afflicted and that is ultra sensitive, prone to depression, and most importantly holding it all in and putting on a brave smiley face even when your dying inside, I actually caught sight of myself doing this when I was at the Dr's recently sat there smiling my face off when actually I was really feeling totally miserable and depressed, this behaviour is something I have learnt from my parents, school, work place, but basically it is now ingrained into me to act in this way rather than tell or show someone exactly what I am really feeling. Bottling it all up and not addressing the issue has gone on for far too long, I need to deal with this shit, the bottom line is it could save my life.
The reason I'm writing today is that the old saying "better out than in..." came to mind and I am now starting to take notice of sub-conscious messages so here goes. I've been kind of ok for a while now getting on with day to day life, minding my own business and concentrating on making myself healthy and well, plenty of organic green juices and supplements being taken, exercise is a little rusty too be honest need to get my walking shoes on and get out there, I'm blaming my lack of exercise on the wet weather and I'm sticking to that lol. I've been getting on with things and not particularly depressed (which is great, I was a secret depression addict prior to dx) I have realised a few things, namely that I need to have a clear out of my emotional dirty laundry, need to get a few things off my chest and out of my system.
Before I was dx I was one of those people that would get really wound up by other peoples insensitivity, of course I am blessed with a hyper sensitive nature one of my friends used to describe me as an "emotional sponge" what she meant was that I would soak up all the emotional highs and lows of anyone in my circle, I realise this is not a very good trait mainly because it means I am overloading on everyone else's shit as well as my own and then well then somethings got to give.
Regular readers will know I have been reading Bernie Seigel's book 'Love, Medicine and Miracles' I am at the point in the book where he talks about what he's learnt as a surgeon dealing with cancer patients all day every day and that there is a common personality trait of the afflicted and that is ultra sensitive, prone to depression, and most importantly holding it all in and putting on a brave smiley face even when your dying inside, I actually caught sight of myself doing this when I was at the Dr's recently sat there smiling my face off when actually I was really feeling totally miserable and depressed, this behaviour is something I have learnt from my parents, school, work place, but basically it is now ingrained into me to act in this way rather than tell or show someone exactly what I am really feeling. Bottling it all up and not addressing the issue has gone on for far too long, I need to deal with this shit, the bottom line is it could save my life.
Tuesday, 10 January 2012
Radiation, juicing, and the wii
Been zapped with the radiotherapy today day 4 got to go everyday until the 25th Jan, went fine yesterday and today was feeling very tired/fatigued yesterday and ended up sleeping in the afternoon, feel ok today went out for a walk this afternoon very refreshing and feel better for it. Thinking that the episode I had last friday with the migraine/sickness was to do with my hormones as originally thought and not a reaction to the rads thankfully, cause I got a long way to go with the rads.
Started green juicing today first time since the beginning of the year I was going to wait until I'd finished this last lot of treatment but decided that it wont hurt to start juicing now even if I'm still eating stuff I should not be like chocolate and carbs like potatoes, will stop eating all bad foods when I've finished the rads until then I feel I going to eat what I want when I want. Have too say that the juicing is going well and I don't mind that its winter and cold, a lot of people complain that juicing in the winter does not suit them, I can relate to this but have built up a tolerance for juicing as I have been dong this since the beginning. I'm going to start a page with my own juicing recipes.
We were given a wii for xmas and I started doing yoga on it today, its quite good but will keep you posted of my progress, there is a class in the next village but it cost a whopping £5 quid and I just cannot afford that every week so next best thing is the wii at least it tells you if your doing the moves right.
Started green juicing today first time since the beginning of the year I was going to wait until I'd finished this last lot of treatment but decided that it wont hurt to start juicing now even if I'm still eating stuff I should not be like chocolate and carbs like potatoes, will stop eating all bad foods when I've finished the rads until then I feel I going to eat what I want when I want. Have too say that the juicing is going well and I don't mind that its winter and cold, a lot of people complain that juicing in the winter does not suit them, I can relate to this but have built up a tolerance for juicing as I have been dong this since the beginning. I'm going to start a page with my own juicing recipes.
We were given a wii for xmas and I started doing yoga on it today, its quite good but will keep you posted of my progress, there is a class in the next village but it cost a whopping £5 quid and I just cannot afford that every week so next best thing is the wii at least it tells you if your doing the moves right.
Wednesday, 21 December 2011
Retail Therapy
I am much better than I was at the weekend and I am sorry for my last post or if it upset anyone I just had to vent my rage and anger.
So went late night shopping last night in Totnes it's something me and my best-friend do every year and we love it. I think its important to carry on as much as normal it helps me feel normal and not a cancer patient. It is amazing what a little bit of retail therapy can do for a girl, we both were supposed to be shopping for xmas presents and ended up buying for ourselves but hey we deserve it and we got some bargains, the sales start early this year probably because of the economic climate. All in all it made me feel better and improved my moods. I have spoken to my GP on the phone and asked him to write the prescription I thought I would never ask and thats for anti-depressants they help with your moods but also with the hot flushes indued by early menopause, these are just terrible, don't get me wrong I am grateful forever for the tamoxifen and the chemo BUT the hot flushes make you into a terrible screaming mad woman!! and I just get so depressed with it, probably still coming to terms with my dx I think this is all part of going through the mill with this cancer trip.
More xmas shopping is in for this afternoon thats if my other half comes home and picks me up. We still got loads to do, but we have been waiting on money and its only just arrived so all at once typical.
So went late night shopping last night in Totnes it's something me and my best-friend do every year and we love it. I think its important to carry on as much as normal it helps me feel normal and not a cancer patient. It is amazing what a little bit of retail therapy can do for a girl, we both were supposed to be shopping for xmas presents and ended up buying for ourselves but hey we deserve it and we got some bargains, the sales start early this year probably because of the economic climate. All in all it made me feel better and improved my moods. I have spoken to my GP on the phone and asked him to write the prescription I thought I would never ask and thats for anti-depressants they help with your moods but also with the hot flushes indued by early menopause, these are just terrible, don't get me wrong I am grateful forever for the tamoxifen and the chemo BUT the hot flushes make you into a terrible screaming mad woman!! and I just get so depressed with it, probably still coming to terms with my dx I think this is all part of going through the mill with this cancer trip.
More xmas shopping is in for this afternoon thats if my other half comes home and picks me up. We still got loads to do, but we have been waiting on money and its only just arrived so all at once typical.
Sunday, 18 December 2011
Enter the dark dark woods at your peril (severe swearing involved)
Very bad day today, cried all afternoon after having a go at my other half, my emotions and moods are surreal at the moment, one minute ultra happy the next I'm looking for an easy way out and when I say easy way out I mean it, seriously considering doing myself in today and really don't care about anything or anyone for the matter. Life is hard enough without having this s**ty breast cancer, the drugs I am on (tamoxifen/herceptin) make you into some sort of other worldly screaming banshie, they interfere with your ovaries and the production of estrogen which is feeding my cancer, but we need our estrogen we are women its part of being a woman to produce these hormones, I even dared to ask the questions "am I being punished ?" and if so "what the fuck did I do wrong?" I always thought I'd have children or at least one now all hope of having my own has faded away I was getting on in age anyway and now I'm likely to be on this dreaded tamoxifen for the next 5 years that should put a stop to any chance of conceiving and even if I did I question whether its really fair to bring a child into the world when lets face it I might not survive to oversee its upbringing, arghhhhhh I FUCKING HATE (when I say hate I really really mean it) CANCER seriously tho I was so very nasty to him, no need for it just plain awful, thats when I started crying and could not stop for 3 hours!!!! solidly, my eyes I can't open, what;s the fucking point. I do frequent the BC forums but the last time I opened up on a post feeling low I got some smart alec comment from another BC patient that made me not want to vent my rage or feelings this is why I started a blog its the only place I can air my proverbial dirty laundry all be it that I am probably talking to myself, why change the habit of a lifetime no one listens to me anyway and now I think they are all convinced that I must of done something wrong to get this in the first place, ergo whatever she's say's thinks is utter crap!!! A small thank you to myself for setting up such a blog in the first place so that I do have an outlet for tamoxifen induced suicidal feelings and pent up rage. When I stopped crying my missing boob started to hurt maybe all the upset is gonna give me more cancer oh what joy life is, the easy way out seems more appealing than ever. To top it all its FUCKING CHRISTMAS.
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