Health update and two deaths RIP Abbey and Hedley

Hello all, thought I'd better provide an update on the current state of things. Eventually........ the hospital got back to me and told me I was stable (which is kind of worrying as I thought I was clear!!!) they still don't know why I was sent a letter asking me to come for yet another CT scan!!!!! I cannot be arse d to chase this up, is that wrong of me?? maybe but I'm at the stage of cannot be bothered. Stable is still good so I'm not gonna rock the boat.

Another lovely lady called Abbey B. passed away from this disease I fucking hate this shitty vile disease. RIP and fly with the angels.xxxxx

Also my best friends partner aged 62 (she's a lot younger than him and has 2 kids by him) collapsed and died unexpectedly a fortnight ago to say we are all in shock is an understatement. He was at home with his son when he collapsed with breathing problems and by the time the ambulance had arrived he was gone. His son who is 21 gave CPR but to no avail. My best friend is in a state of complete shock we have now had the funeral but it all still feels very very raw and sort of surreal. Who'd of thought it? and this has made my resolve to live for the moment ever more important. I am trying to help her as much as I can by taking cooked food around and generally being there to support her, its so very hard all I want to do is make this better which obviously is impossible as no one can bring him back. I have told her that we love her and will do anything to help her thats all I can do. Its a desperate situation what else can I say....... RIP Hedley I feel for your family at this sad time you were there world. xx

Hospital keeping me on tender hooks AGAIN.....

So you might gather that from the title of this post its not gonna be a good post. Well back in early Oct I had a CT scan the usual 3 monthly one and was told to ring for a results appointment I did phone and had an appointment a week or so ago still no results but Onc assured me that all was going to be ok and that she would phone or write with the results as she didn't anticipate it being anything bad. Fast forward onto today and I have a letter asking me to book yet another CT scan and a blood test at my local GP's so on the face of it doesn't inspire me at all in fact I feel like total shit why can't they just tell me what the fuck is wrong!!!! I mean it is my body right! All this is it bad or isn't it bad shit just tears me apart its so stressful if I didn't have anything wrong before I'm gonna get ill just from the anxiety of it all. Bloody fucking shitty hospital will keep you posted and update this later as I've spoken with Onc's secretary and told her I need some answers by the end of today otherwise I shall just keep ringing and ringing and tomorrow I shall go up there until I know what the fuck is going on.

Feeling like a piece of shit...

Today is a bad day. I don't have an awful lot to get excited about but a fortnight ago I was short listed for an art prize and on the same day had found out that the little chinese pot I bought in a charity shop was of interest to the Homes and Antiques magazine they published a pic of the pot and I had to wait until today to find out how much the pot was worth! Exciting stuff eh!!! started feeling really high with anticipation waited a week and found out that my painting hasn't made the final selection process and the little pot is worth £20 quid. What an absolute load of fucking shite! I deserved at the very least to of been selected for the RWA urghhhhhhhh..... feel like a failure again not very positive and quite frankly back to shitty square one.......whats the fucking point in this existence?????????? I literally had to force the green juice down my neck this morning and I did it with tears streaming down my face, its ridiculous fighting to stay a live for what?????? god only knows literally????? This was going to be a optimistic post on Hemp Oil however after today I need to regain some composure and sit on that particular post for a while. Don't want fucking cancer, don't want to take shit loads of supplements and other chemicals just too stay a live and don't know how I'm gonna carry on at the moment. Basically ITS ALL A LOAD OF ABSOLUTE FUCKING SHIT! and also wanted to add that for the first time in 3 years and 8 months I WANT A FUCKING SMOKE!

RIP Issy

Today is a sad day, today my online cancer buddy Ismena Clout passed away having just reached her 40th birthday last week she was an exceptionally strong lady who had fought this shit for the past 10 years being dx initially at the tender age of just 28, it begs belief doesn't it! She will be sadly missed and mourned by many not just her family and close friends but those of us who she has helped with her words of wisdom her compassion, advice, and her wit especially poignant knowing what she was going through. Another star in the sky another life snuffed out by this vile disease. RIP Issy you will be missed. Love and light my dear friend love and light..........

Issy wrote a blog in the early days for the Independent and most recently for the Huffington Post here's a link to her warts n all approach to writing and chronicling her fight to the bitter end.
http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/ismena-clout/

Feeling SAD......

Ok so I'm normally up beat and try to see the positive side but I have to WARN you this post is not an one of those.

Have to start with I FUCKING HATE THIS FUCKING DISEASE! Today I went to Cornwall to view a cat unfortunately the cat just wasn't right for us, so we went into Truro for a bit of shopping, my favourite shop is The White Stuff I just about fit into a size fucking 18!! WTF I am now officially obese!!! gone from size 0 to a size 18 in 3 years this has sent me spiralling into a pit of self loathing and despair. I didn't eat anything yesterday and all I've had today was my usual supplements. I feel like I want to starve myself so have decided not to eat for as long as I can take it I WONT LET THIS SHIT WIN! Im feeling ever so depressed, don't want to see anyone, just want to hide away from the world and shut my eyes. I thought I'd already reached the bottom of the bottomless pit but this new depression has reached an all time low. I think its a combination of things mainly THIS FUCKING DISEASE what its done to my body, finding my pet cat dead earlier on this year and not being able to find a suitable cat and so the list goes on...... of course the weather is changing so its never a good time of year. God I needed to get that out, thank you blog for listening I think I'd go out of my mind if I didn't have this platform to sound off on.

Radical Remission

The new buzz word at the moment in relation to the Big C is 'Radical Remission' a new book written by Dr Kelly Turner.  Dr Turner has studied radical remissions and come up with a list of 9 factors that she has found in people who self heal. Here's the list in a basic format.

• Radically changing your diet
• Taking control of your health
• Following your intuition
• Using herbs and supplements
• Releasing suppressed emotions
• Increasing positive emotions
• Embracing social support
• Deepening your spiritual connection
• Having strong reasons for living

As Dr Turner explains "It is important to note that these are not listed in any kind of ranking order. There is no clear “winner” among these factors. Rather, all nine were mentioned just as frequently in my interviews.” I want to address these points one by one.

http://www.radicalremission.com/

Here's what the Belief Doctor say's about the 9 points http://beliefdoctor.com/news/radical-remissions-from-cancer-9-key-factors

and the natural alternative to Tamoxifen with details on DIM and others http://elynjacobs.com/2012/01/15/natural-alternatives-to-tamoxifen/

Ok so I'm gonna go and do some work now just wanted to share this latest set of info with you just in case any of you are thinking of going down the same route of me and saying no to the hormonals. Its a risky strategy but one I personally feel is worth taking you have to weigh up all the pros and cons for yourself its an individual decision and not one to made lightly.

Arimidex or NOT...... that is the question

So as many of you will know I have been kind of given the all clear see few posts below. All the scans are clear and there is currently no cancer anywhere whoopie! However, in place of the dammed Tamoxifen which I stopped taking on the 21st July I have been prescribed Arimidex because apparently I am now through the menopause. Last week I decided to have a look into the side effects of this particular hormonal drug and found to my horror even worse side effects than the Tami! My main ache on Tami was the weight gain and the migraines, on this new tablet the side effects are and I quote from real life stories cataracts and blindness!, more fucking weight gain, joint pain, migraines etc etc etc oh with the added high possibility that I will develop arthritis in my thumbs (already have problems with the thumbs) which would need operations!! WOW and they didn't tell me of any of these side effects when they prescribed it to me if they had of done I would of said a flat out NO THANKS. Feeling a bit livid with the docs and hospital for not telling me of this and have weighed it all up...... so if I take it I might prolong my life by a bit longer but I might go blind and have problems with my hands so wouldn't be able to paint and create its a no brainer really isn't it of course I'm not gonna take the shit, I'd rather not be here if I couldn't see the world to create my art. I have an appointment in October to see how I'm going on the Arimidex..... yeah right.....!!!!! not sure what I will tell them at the moment and quite honestly don't want to take anything else. Will continue on the Herceptin because in comparison the side effects are minimal and don't affect me that badly. I would be interested to hear from any of you reading about this drug Arimidex or by brand name Anastrozole and your experiences on this and if you find or recomend any of the other hormonal drugs to be better or with less horrible side effects. Please post a comment below and I will return the message. In place of prescribed drugs I sent off and received my first supply of 120 caps of DIM which I am going to take as a natural alternative to the hormonal's for further information see my report on it in the post titled "DIM definitely not stupid......"Many thanks for listening.

RIP Polly Noble and Liz Greggory

Polly Noble has passed away she was only 32 and had been fighting aggressive cervical cancer that had spread to other vital organs since she was 24. Polly was a breath of fresh air she was an english Kris Carr. How can someone so young and vibrant be taken so very quickly. Polly was a wellness warrior and wrote books and websites on eating right including raw and green juicing. She didn't smoke or drink yet she still got taken by this fucking disease. I had signed up to Polly's website and would receive regular updates and recipes from her I was starting to think why haven't I had an email from Polly when all of the sudden it dawned on me something had happened. My worst fears were realised when I googled her name and the words funeral came up automatically. I started reading her obituary and tears rolled down, like they have so many times for so many different people some with breast cancer some with other types of cancer in the past 3 and a half years since being dx I've buried at least 20 women all of whom I'd had direct contact with via the internet or by phone, its quite simply shocking. Initially I react by getting tearful and upset then as the realisation of whats happened sinks in I get fucking angry I try not to as I think anger internalised is very very bad for you but my reactions are what they are and I am so angry why oh why oh why and what an utter waste of a caring, compassionate, inspired human being.......words fail me I am at a loss.....


R.I.P. Polly Noble you were a true inspiration and you didn't deserve your unbelievably unkind end.

I've added this today in honour and remembrance of the lovely Liz Gregory I met Liz on line, a fellow secondary breast cancer patient who was amongst others offered tremendous support and help in my hour of need. Liz was a salt of the earth kind of person compassionate and caring always willing to offer help and advice. This fucking cancer has finally got her I pray her passing was calm and that she was free of suffering and pain. As always she leaves behind a family whom now have to pick up the peices and continue without her.

R.I.P. Liz Gregory you will be missed, sending you lots of love and light lovely lady. xxx

Stopped taking Tamoxifen.....

Thats right I've finally had enough and stopped taking the Tamoxifen its very nearly 3 years since I started taking them and just cant cope anymore with this terrible drug. The list seems endless but this is why I've stopped:

1. Enormous weight gain (4 stone) I've gone from a size 8-10 to size 18-20

2. At least 3 major migraines a week (I used to blame Herceptin but realise now it could be the Tami)

3. Arthritic joint pain in both wrists and ankles

4. Swelling and water retention just to add to the weight misery

5. Cramp in my toes and legs 

6. Hot Flushes including sweating from my eyeballs and feeling like I'm going melt into a puddle

7. Night sweats and unable to sleep

8. Mood swings and depression

9. Unable to walk or function at times due to the above side effects I end up walking around like an 

old lady of 100!!

I've been putting up with this sorry lot for the past 3 years and I've had enough yes I've hit the fuck it button what made me finally decide was the fact that I've been so depressed that I feel like I'd rather not be here anymore I realised this was a suicidal tendency (not good when you live so close to the cliffs) this was the final straw and as of yesterday I've stopped. I have an onc. appt. on August the 8th with results of MRI, CT, heart scan and blood test. Haven't decided whether or not to tell onc about stopping the tablets he will probably go up the wall if I tell him but I just can't live with this anymore I need a better quality of life. I will explain how I've been feeling and the above reasons if I decide to tell him. Obviously I'm still on the sub-cut Herceptin. I wouldn't mind if they tried me on another ai with less side effects but they told me at the last appointment that they wouldn't change the Tamoxifen until I was through the menopause hence the reason for the blood test to determine my menopausal status.

Apparently its going to take a good 3 months for the stuff to be out of my system totally but I feel relieved and happy about my decision. Its a risky strategy but quality of life is just as important.

Cobain, Carey a medium and a load of questions......

It's one of those days (a worrying trend lately) I feel out of sorts, emotional like I'm gonna cry any second, why you may ask? well I don't quite know why? I certainly have good cause to feel upset (in the middle of waiting for a heap load of scan results) but its not even that.

I've just started listening to Nirvana I was never really into them before but for some reason I am drawn to this particular band and its dead lead singer Kurt Cobain he tragically died after shooting himself in the head, he suffered a lifetime of possibly bi-polar symptoms a classic raw talent taken too soon, his story made me feel that life is so pointless and needed some answers so googled Kurt Cobain and channelling sure enough I found blogs and written stories of mediums channeling Kurt, interestingly the questions and answers were very informative and did bring some comfort BUT its left me feeling low. I decided to ask a few questions of spirit myself the main one today is "how can I carry on?' you can imagine my surprise when all of a sudden a definite answer came to me "your faith is your strength" wise words indeed and upon further pondering I believe to be the truth. Without my faith I would be an empty vessel wandering aimlessly on this planet, weirdly my faith anchors me to the earth (you would think this would be the opposite). I suppose some would say that I'm being too self indulgent but to me having faith is the difference between life or death.

Recently I've been to see some mediums and clairvoyants one of the things that stuck out for me from the strongest reading was that my problem is "you don't believe that what you think has any effect" this I am informed is my major problem and I have to say that to some extent this is in my opinion true. I suppose its because I don't believe I thought myself ill in other words I didn't think myself into breast cancer did I? so it stands to reason that I would believe that thoughts have no effect, also if it was true then thinking that you don't have breast cancer would surely be the cure. Apologies if I am confusing you but this is what is going on in my bloody head at the moment and I need to get to the bottom of it, instinctively feel this is very important. This theory keeps being presented to me only the other day I came across this short speech by the Actor Jim Carey http://youtu.be/V80-gPkpH6M his speech was about asking the universe for help in fact asking for whatever you want and believing in yourself. Carey talks about his mission in "The church of freedom from concern". The questions he poses are interesting and important "how will you serve the world?" "what have you got to offer others?" he goes on to say "risk being seen in all of your glory" this echo's some of what Kurt had said through the medium that his purpose was to teach "self expression through his music" this blew me away.

Later on in the evening I had a conversation with F. (fellow breast cancer patient and friend) we discussed the whole 'you are what you think' concept and she offered an alternative answer. Not that either of us thought ourselves ill but maybe our thought patterns at that time had in some way contributed to a low immune system which in tern brought about the cancer. I for one was in a bad way prior to being dx I was unemployed, depressed, and miserable my self esteem was at an all time low and I literally didn't want to wake up. It makes sense to me that this state of mind may of proved the perfect recipe for the immune system to fall flat on the floor, inviting in all manner of nasties including cancer. This makes more sense to me that just simply thinking yourself sick.

Sunshine and shadows.....

Its been a while since I posted on here I suppose I've been trying to get back some sort of normality to my daily life which doesn't include cancer. Having said that the fucking shit is always just round the corner and I find I can never really forget about it. Last week it was an MRI scan on a sunday morning!! this week its a Herceptin shot at the local outreach clinic and of course on a daily basis I am still taking the dammed Tamoxifen, don't really stand much chance of forgetting about it do I? added to which I have a CT scan booked for next tuesday with results d-day booked for the 8th of August and so I'm back on the treadmill that is the waiting game....... I feel bad moaning about this when its such a beautiful day out there all blue skies and summer heat but as the title of this post suggests there is shadows and I'm experiencing one of those day's where I feel deflated, most of my problems lie in the fact that I don't recognise myself anymore, I quite simply don't look like Sarah anymore, the monumental weight gain caused by the Tamoxifen, the pubic hair on top of my head where my beautiful brunette waist length straight hair used to be also toe nails falling off and nails on hands looking decidedly doggy urghhhhh........... think you probably get the picture I'm on an off day, sometimes I ponder about not taking the drugs and seeing what happens when I voice this opinion others around me give me a telling off and make me feel guilty for feeling like this but I can't help it I bloody hate it! I just want to look like me again and not some super inflated, puffed up, doddery version of myself this shit seriously ages you over night. I've started to sub-conciously avoid seeing anyone or going anywhere which is pretty easy to do when you live in a rurally isolated location. A friend of mine is coming over from Australia she's asked to come and see me we haven't seen each other for 15 years, I would dearly love to see her but I just can't face the look of utter shock on her face when she clocks me! I just want to hide away and never see anyone again. This is getting serious....... think I need to tell the doctors about how I am feeling, need for them to try something different, something with less horrendous side effects, or they need to address this chronic depression. Talking of side effects I've read about Herceptin recently and found out that it does affect your blood count didn't realise this and adds to the misery.....

DIM definitely not stupid.......

Before we progress on to todays post properly I would like to put a shout out to Dani from the BCC forum who left a comment on one of my posts. Hi Dani, would you please send me a private message via the BCC forum then we can discuss the subject further, I can certainly point you in the right direction. xxxx

Right back to the nitty gritty of this post. Anyone ever heard of DIM or Di-Indolyl Methane (its a mouth full isn't it!) is a food-based compound found in cruciferous vegetables like broccoli, cabbage, cauliflower and Brussel’s sprouts. Studies have shown that it has the ability to reduce the risk of certain cancers, especially those influenced by excessive estrogen levels, such as breast, uterine and prostate. DIM can also stimulate fat breakdown and encourage an increase in muscle mass. An added bonus of this supplement is that it effectively modulates estrogen metabolism, helping to do away with uncomfortable symptoms of PMS, perimenopause and prostrate issues. Some experts also recommend DIM to fight chronic inflammation in the body, especially as it ages. With inflammation, it gets harder for your body to absorb nutrients from food, to keep it’s immune system under control, and fight pain. Currently, there are clinical trials sponsored by the National Institutes of Health that are focusing on using DIM to treat breast, cervical and prostate cancer. I think you probably have guessed where I am going with this, yes its the Estrogen factor.  Natural sources of DIM can be found in: 

Broccoli
Brussel sprouts
Cabbage
Cauliflower
Collard greens
Kale
Mustard greens
Watercress

Pretty much anything that is ultra green and healthy.

Now for the science bit. 

The following excerpt comes from Dr. Scott Rollins, MD, founder and Medical Director at the Integrative Medicine Center of Western Colorado (http://imcwc.com/news/index.php?id=3271124400587032289). This is a very well-written and comprehensive account of the effects of DIM and how to best use this supplement to make the most out of its incredible benefits: (I particularly like the bits I've highlighted in red)

How does DIM work?
There are two main pathways in the liver for our estrogen to be normally metabolized and excreted. One pathway leads to very good metabolites called 2-hydroxy estrogens. The other pathway leads to bad metabolites called 4 or 16-hydroxy estrogens. DIM stimulates the favorable 2-hydroxy pathway for estrogen metabolism and this is how DIM works to improve our health. DIM is not a hormone, nor is it a hormone replacement. It is a plant compound that will improve our hormone balance. By improving the metabolism of our natural estrogens DIM will help lower high levels of estrogen in the body. This alone can help remedy estrogen dominant conditions and restore a healthy estrogen/testosterone ratio in men and women. The favorable 2-hydroxy metabolites promoted by DIM are potent anti-oxidants and help prevent muscle breakdown after exercise, as evidenced by female athletes having less muscle tissue breakdown after intense exercise than men. By reducing the estrogen dominance and also reducing the accumulation of cancer-promoting 4/16-hydroxy metabolites DIM can help lower the risk of cancer. The 2-hydroxy metabolites help increase the active testosterone levels in men and women by displacing inactive protein-bound testosterone to its active “free” portion. This leads to significant improvements in the ability to build muscle and enjoy the benefits of testosterone including better mood, increased stamina, endurance, sex drive and erectile function. The accumulation of fat around the belly, hips and buttocks is partly due to excess estrogen levels combined with falling testosterone levels. DIM will help lower excess estrogen and promote the fat-burning 2-hydroxy metabolites. This can help you achieve a leaner body with less body fat.
Hormone balance with DIM
How do you supplement DIM and how much should you take? First of all, only the “micro-encapsulated” forms of DIM are well absorbed. For women, doses of 100-200mg daily are typical, and after menopause, whether taking hormone replacement therapy or not, doses of 50-100mg daily will improve estrogen metabolism. Doses as much as a thousand times higher have been shown to be safe in animal studies and there has never been a reported complication with DIM usage in humans.
How do you know if DIM is working? Aside from the improved clinical circumstance we often measure the good and bad estrogen metabolites with a simple blood test. We routinely observe increases in the good 2-hydroxy metabolites with the use of DIM. As an aside, correction of low thyroid conditions also improves estrogen metabolism. I recommend DIM instead of its precursor compound known as I3C or indole-3-carbinol. Two I3C molecules combine in the body to make DIM. But I3C is variable in its absorption, reacts with other supplements such as vitamin C, and can convert to unhealthy compounds. As much as 10 times amount of I3C is needed to get levels comparable with straight DIM supplementation. I start many women on DIM in their early 40s when there are signs of falling progesterone levels early in the perimenopause. For many this alone can help the estrogen dominance while also increasing a low testosterone level. Sometimes we add progesterone to further balance the estrogen. We also routinely add the health-promoting adrenal hormone known as DHEA during this time which helps with weight loss, strength, sex drive and more. We strategically combine DIM with other supplements to help with athletic conditioning or with overall healthy detoxification. During weight-loss or athletic training we might add creatine and a higher-protein diet, combined with targeted workout and recovery drinks that maximize insulin and muscle building. My favorite DIM supplement also contains curcumin, green tea and wasabia for a broad detoxification effect.

DIM can be used at any age as part of a weight-loss or strength training program. DIM promotes healthy hormone balance that can help you achieve peak exercise efficiency and healthy aging. Hormone balance can help you stay healthy, resist aging and get the most from your exercise or weight-loss efforts.

So in a nutshell its a natural estrogen moderator will convert the bad estrogen into good estridol which also makes it an alternative to Tamoxifen. Now then before you all go off and throw away your Tamxoifen hear me out. I am going to take DIM but I'm going to take it in ADDITION to Tamoxifen for the time being anyway. Can't seem to purchase it over here (UK) but have ordered some from Amazon in the states. Will keep you all posted on this one. Certainly is food for thought.

I've hit the f*@k it button........

WARNING EXTREME SWEARING

As the title of this post suggest's the hospital have failed me once again. The final final straw was they forgot my Herceptin (this is the wonder drug thats keeping me alive!) not a minor thing fairly major in my opinion this coupled with the fact that my CT scan was booked for June with results in July way way to long to wait and other stuff like lying to me they told me that I was one of 2 patients in Devon that received my drugs via health care at home and that it wasn't cost effective, this is a down and out lie as I talked to the nurses that used to come to the flat and give me my drugs they told me there were at least 25 patients. So the upshot is I've bitten the bullet and gone to my GP who is referring me to Taunton hospital, I've heard good things about this hospital and kept thinking about changing hospital but there always seemed to be some scan or other vital appointment looming on the horizon that kept me going to Derriford. My GP agreed that it just wasn't acceptable and as a result I have been left feeling like I've lost all confidence in my hospital. When its literally a matter of life or death you have to go with what feels right and Taunton definitely does feel right. Yes its a bit of a slog 100 miles to be exact but its got to be worth it to get top treatment. Taunton hospital is newer and has a brand new cancer clinic including cyber knife it goes without saying this makes it all the more attractive to someone with advanced breast cancer. Another plus is that as Taunton has the approval for delivering health care at home for sub-cut Herceptin I will be able to have it delivered to my door, crazy isn't it!!! I live out in the sticks and work from home also don't drive so its difficult for me to get to the main hospital and as I qualify for health care at home I would like to have it at home and not be fobbed off with a load of shite.

Been hopping mad about NICE (National Institute for Health and Care Excellence) (not so nice) decision to pull the life saving drug TDM1 (Kadcyla) therefore anyone who is not already receiving this drug like myself wont be able to apply to have it in the future. So if Herceptin fails me then there is nothing else I can try. To say I am mad angry and plain fucked off is an understatement. Again I ask why oh why do we bother raising funds via charities so they can use that money to develop drugs that they then wont give to us!!!!!! crackers huh!!!! The argument goes that it cost 90,000 per year to treat someone as the drugs company that developed it Roche charge a fortune for it, lets not forget that its us that has raised the cash in the first place for the wankers to develop it in the first fucking place. Also that it only gives 6 months of extended life. Bollocks in a nut shell this is a complete fabrication I personally know at least 5 women who are receiving this drug who have been on it at least 4-5 years and they are happy, healthy with minimum side effects more importantly they are alive!! so to say it only extends by 6 months is giving the general public the impression that its not worth spending all that money for such little amount of time. Absolute fuckers......I hope they all rot in hell........heaven forbid any of those that make these decisions might need the fucking drug...... So now I've got to hope and pray that Herceptin works for a very very long time otherwise I'm as good as dead........thanks NICE/Roche you fuckers......

Other news Mitzi (my mummy cat) has returned from her wanderings, it was beginning to look like we'd lost 2 cats in the space of a fortnight!! she came home last night at 1 in the morning with rabbit fleas on her ears and a tick on head of course we had to remove the critters before we could go to sleep, however all is forgiven just to have her home safe with us.

All in all a very bad week infact a hell of a month can't wait for sodding April to end. Here's to the 1st of May lets hope its a darn sight better than this bullshit.

Life goes on.....

We are still coming to terms with the tragic loss of our lovely Ted we also found out on the same day that one of my close friends mother had lost her battle with Myeloma Cancer we were dx at the same time 3 years ago and had built up a support network for each other both of us enjoying juicing and living life healthy then wallop she's gone, the chemo she had been on stopped working this coupled with a fall in the night where she broke her leg (she was 70) was the final straw and she was put in the hospice and never came out. We will be going to her funeral tomorrow and yet again I am reminded how fragile our existence really is. The weird thing was Christine was also an avid cat lover maybe Ted and Christine are together I know he's in good hands with her. Its so hard Teddy was such a character cat and loved the woodland garden. We walked down through bluebell wood this afternoon and it was stunning somehow it just didn't seem the same without Teddy he loved this time of year.

So, life moves on. Lee has booked up his training course for the offshore Rigging in May and will be away for a week and a half when he returns we will take the next step and see about getting him some offshore work for a 3 week period after which we will be able to afford to move which is what we both want now more than ever due to our recent loss.

I had an oncologist appointment to find out what the hell was going on with the 'something' on my Liver apparently the radiologist wont budge and continues to sit on the fence ie: he wont say whether or not it is cancer. So we are back in square one again and I'm to have yet another blasted CT scan in about 6 weeks time!!! because of the back log. I ask you this is so fucking out of order. I feel like giving up. Then I was asked about my migraines to which I replied yes still getting them infact they have increased last week I had 3 and so far I've woken every day this week with a migraine. Thanks to Sumatriptan I am able to function but its not good to wake daily with extreme nausea and a pounding headache so now they want to do an MRI scan on my head to determine if its cancer or just normal migraine stuff, like ya do!!! The only plus from the appointment was that she (registrar not onc) asked how I was doing on the Tamoxifen I decided as we were being honest and open that I would let rip about the shit. I told her about my aching joints and my massive weight gain nearly 4 stone! she agreed that the side effects were extreme (not everyone will react this way) and that weight gain was definitely a result of taking the drug, they have decided to re-check my blood and see if I am through the menopause if I am then they will take me off the dreaded Tamoxifen and replace with another AI that apparently does not cause weight gain although the joint pain might increase. I don't mind this as my joints are taking a bashing with all this excess weight that I've been carrying around. Bloody hope and pray I am through the menopause. It was left that I shall go back for results in July!! seems like a long flipping wait then! Going to see GP about changing hospital only trouble is I'm worried that if I do it now that things could be forgotten about during the transition, so not sure whether its bad timing to change at the moment.

I've been trying to paint but all this shit the deaths, the drugs, just general cancer shite doesn't inspire me to be creative. However I have managed to finish one painting and I've got some prints done so will drop off at a lovely gallery in Weston.

Will keep you posted as too the Liver and now the Head crap. xx

Grief

Some of you may know that  apart from living with breast cancer I also have another life one filled with normal everyday things, the things that make you feel like a human being like looking after a home, being in a relationship and having pets. My choice of pet was 2 cats although it started out as being given a young female cat named Mitzi at the age of 1 and a half. Shortly after we found out she was pregnant after much deliberation we decided to let her keep her kittens. It was hard for her moving to a new home, pregnant she was afraid and stressed out. On November the 1st 2008 she gave birth to 5 kittens, 1 tortoiseshell, blonde coloured twins, a grey stripped one and lastly the tiny bundle of fluff I would call Ted. Initially I couldn't choose which of the kittens we were going to keep but this podgy fluffy ball kept coming to me, he would lie on his back and let me tickle his tummy. We went through all the learning curves with him, using the litter tray, eating solid food and eventually letting him go out. From the first day of letting him go out I could tell he was in his element. Most cats like to go outdoors its natural for them to want to go out into the big wide world, for Ted this meant going out into our wonderful woodland garden with wide open fields, streams and rivers he was quite simply in his element. I realised that I there was no way I could of kept him prisoner in the flat. As the years went by he grew into a massive cat the size of a small dog in fact one of his best friends was a neighbours Jack Russell named Woody, they loved each other and would give each other a kiss and roll about together. He also had a few annoying habits like waking us up at some ungodly hour to let him out by walking all over us. He loved the dawn and I shared a fair few with him. My partner and my pets kept me going through the long hard slog of chemo and gave me something to live for. Breast cancer took away my chance to have children so my cats became my children or fur babies. Too some this may sound ridiculous "how can you replace children with cats!" but this is what I did, I didn't have a choice that was taken away from me the day I got dx with breast cancer.

I think you may be getting the picture that something has happened to my beloved Ted. After being missing for 9 days we eventually were informed of a dead cat that was in the bushes, it appears he was run down by a car. We are both broken hearted, the grief I am feeling is all consuming. I've written on facebook and phoned those who knew and loved him. I am in physical pain for the loss of Ted. I can't stop crying, keep feeling sick and actually want to shut my eyes and never open them again. I feel devastated the same sort of devastation that I was feeling on being dx with breast cancer. I can't even think of how I am going to re-build my life and keep thinking I want to join him in the after life, even considered stopping taking all my treatments. This may sound extreme but its how I feel and I have to get it out of my system. Sorry for anyone who is reading this I know its heartbreaking. Here's a link to a website that deals with pet grief for anyone else who is suffering http://www.livingwithpetbereavement.com/grieving.htm

Me and Ted when he was a little kitten

Ted and his favourite toy squid

Ted playing in the leaves

RIP Ted we love and miss you so very much.xxxx

Saying it how it is......

So watched and weeped at the documentary called Kris: Dying to Live which follows a young women (23 at dx!) on her day to day existence how she copes with the knowledge that she is living with breast cancer which has spread to her spine, liver and most recently to her brain. At times its so hard too watch but is a must for all those who want to understand what its like to live with this dammed disease. Kris say's it how it is warts and all she may look the picture of health a very attractive blonde young women BUT she is living with cancer and its associated symptoms. The film charts the ups and downs and her life living with cancer as well as her charity Coppafeel which aims to spread awareness amongst younger people. Here's the link bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b03zf3tg/Kris_Dying_to_Live/.

Signs and the Peony flower

Its been a week since I learned the fantastic news about being NED (see post below) and its finally sunk in I feel like I'm in a weird kind of limbo land getting rid or the lung mets has been my driving force for nearly 3 years and its not like I'm stopping any treatment any time soon still on Herceptin forever and Tamoxifen for at least 5 years (2 and half years so far) so you see whilst the mets have gone I'm still living with the effects of cancer and its drugs so its not like I can be totally free of it and of course there's that Liver thing, still no word from the Onc on that one but will keep you updated as soon as I hear from them.

Its been beautiful weather this week all the flowers are out which is very unusual for this time of year normally we only see the delicate and beautiful Snowdrop this year the woods are carpeted in them its like the Snowdrop's are in direct competition with the Bluebells that normally cover the woodland floor. As well as the Snowdrop's we have loads of Daff's, Primroses, Crocus's and Violets I love seeing the flowers but worry that its all too soon and its still warm the amount of ground frost we've had this year you can count on one hand.

Getting back to my constant battle with the drugs. Before I was dx I never took any form of tablet so since all this has happened I feel like I'm a right pill popper lol. Its Tamoxifen again and the terrible hot flushes I say the hot flushes but its all of the side effects from this dam drug that really pull me down. I was considering taking a drug break from it or even stopping taking it altogether, until I learned the news of being NED this has now changed everything, I can't stop taking the drug it could be the one thing or the combo of Herceptin and Tamoxifen that is keeping me cancer free so as much as I hate it and all thats its doing to my poor body I've got to try and cultivate a better attitude to it.

I'm trying to address all the side effects and deal with them all so that I can get on with taking it for the remaining 2 and a half years. To start with I'm dealing with the weight gain going from a size 8-18 in the space of 2 and a half years is no joke. I was shopping in a charity shop the other day and a lady working in there decided to take it upon herself to show me where the size 18+ clothes rail was needless to say this upset me for the rest of the day. So no more carbs that includes white potatoes, any kind of rice, or pasta and bread its all going out. Initially I was good with the carbs but its slowly crept back into the diet so a total veto of all these things should help the weight loss. I'm also walking for at least an hour and a half each day and feel better for it. I stopped going to Yoga because I was puffing and panting and could not get up off the floor very easily and others members tended to stare at me like I'd arrived from another planet (little do they know I have its called planet c), now that I've started walking again I am going to try and aim for going back to Yoga and might practice it alone at home for a while.

The next side effect that needs desperate attention is the hot flushes these are extreme although for some ladies its not that bad. Mine are horrific, I instantly feel very nauseous then I visibly sweat and go beetroot in the face it wakes me up in the middle of night and generally makes me feel ill. Its got to stop. I thought it would get better as time wore on but its got worse. To date I've tried wearing a Ladycare Magnet which worked for around 6 months but then stopped working, also stopped drinking tea and coffee (only use decaf) this works but if on the odd occasion I do have a proper cup of tea or coffee the hot flushes are 100% worse almost immediately! Supplements I've taken include Sage, Vitamin E, Evening Primrose Oil all of them dont work for me. Onc. told me not to take Black Cohosh or Red Clover as these interfere with the effectiveness of the Tamxoifen. In the beginning I was offered anti-depressants but found after only taking one that I was a suicidal mess and stopped straight away also was offered Megace but a side effect is weight gain to which I popped the box directly in the bin. I was taking the drug Clonidine for my hot flushes and again this worked but had the added undesirable side effect of making me collapse I had so many falls I stopped taking it. Onc. told me he had run out of drugs for me to try to stop the hot flushes so I've given up asking him.

In view of all I've said in the previous chapter I have now finally found something that could work. Its not available in any shop except on line due to the law changing on herbs and herbal medicine my local health food shop cant sell it but I have managed to get some online and await its delivery with anticipation. Its Peony Tincture apparently according to my very knowledgeable health food shop owner its very effective for ladies where Sage has failed. Unlike Sage it works on the body's thermostat rather than hormonally which is a huge added plus. I also wanted to add that weirdly enough the day before I found out about Peony Tincture I was out looking for this plant and didn't really know why I came home with a bunch of Red Peony flowers and put them in a vase I've since learned that the Peony they use is Red so something prompted me to go out and buy these flowers and I believe this is a sign from spirit guiding to something that will help me. We need to listen to our instincts and act upon them especially if they keep coming into our focus. I cant wait for my tincture to arrive it cost £15 delivered which isn't too bad but I'm going to look into this further, if it works then I'm going to attempt to make my own, will keep you all posted on this one.

Love and light to you all xxxxx

The best news ever.....

Wanted to share my unbelievable amazing news with you all. Saw my onc today he told me that " the lung mets have disappeared" and my lungs are now clear. I sat there in total shock and can't believe how lucky I am, it appears that something is working at getting rid of the bad cells. All the drugs ie: hereceptin/tamoxifen, jucing, hemp oil (early days), the supplements and the weekly spiritual healing are all worth while, obviously we can't say exactly what it was that obliterated them but the important thing to remember is that something did work. 

There was only one grey area and thats on my liver there is a mass there but they still cannot define exactly what it is it could be cancer that is stable or it could be fatty tissue, my onc is writing to the radiologist to ascertain what tests we can do to find out exactly what it is that shows up on the scans whatever it is has been static and non moving now for quite a long time and he wasn't overly worried about it although he did say we are going to keep an eye on it with 3 monthly scans. 

As for the subcut herceptin I'm to have my first 2 lots in the hospital so thats all booked in and I've decided not to give up on my hospital just yet.

Apologies to you all for not coming on sooner and posting but up until yesterday I was on  a huge downer and needed something positive to give me a boost, this is the best possible outcome I could of wanted. I feel like I can start my life all over again, I feel like I've been given a second chance. I am so utterly grateful to still be here.

Sending you all love and light
Sarah xxx