Grief

Some of you may know that  apart from living with breast cancer I also have another life one filled with normal everyday things, the things that make you feel like a human being like looking after a home, being in a relationship and having pets. My choice of pet was 2 cats although it started out as being given a young female cat named Mitzi at the age of 1 and a half. Shortly after we found out she was pregnant after much deliberation we decided to let her keep her kittens. It was hard for her moving to a new home, pregnant she was afraid and stressed out. On November the 1st 2008 she gave birth to 5 kittens, 1 tortoiseshell, blonde coloured twins, a grey stripped one and lastly the tiny bundle of fluff I would call Ted. Initially I couldn't choose which of the kittens we were going to keep but this podgy fluffy ball kept coming to me, he would lie on his back and let me tickle his tummy. We went through all the learning curves with him, using the litter tray, eating solid food and eventually letting him go out. From the first day of letting him go out I could tell he was in his element. Most cats like to go outdoors its natural for them to want to go out into the big wide world, for Ted this meant going out into our wonderful woodland garden with wide open fields, streams and rivers he was quite simply in his element. I realised that I there was no way I could of kept him prisoner in the flat. As the years went by he grew into a massive cat the size of a small dog in fact one of his best friends was a neighbours Jack Russell named Woody, they loved each other and would give each other a kiss and roll about together. He also had a few annoying habits like waking us up at some ungodly hour to let him out by walking all over us. He loved the dawn and I shared a fair few with him. My partner and my pets kept me going through the long hard slog of chemo and gave me something to live for. Breast cancer took away my chance to have children so my cats became my children or fur babies. Too some this may sound ridiculous "how can you replace children with cats!" but this is what I did, I didn't have a choice that was taken away from me the day I got dx with breast cancer.

I think you may be getting the picture that something has happened to my beloved Ted. After being missing for 9 days we eventually were informed of a dead cat that was in the bushes, it appears he was run down by a car. We are both broken hearted, the grief I am feeling is all consuming. I've written on facebook and phoned those who knew and loved him. I am in physical pain for the loss of Ted. I can't stop crying, keep feeling sick and actually want to shut my eyes and never open them again. I feel devastated the same sort of devastation that I was feeling on being dx with breast cancer. I can't even think of how I am going to re-build my life and keep thinking I want to join him in the after life, even considered stopping taking all my treatments. This may sound extreme but its how I feel and I have to get it out of my system. Sorry for anyone who is reading this I know its heartbreaking. Here's a link to a website that deals with pet grief for anyone else who is suffering http://www.livingwithpetbereavement.com/grieving.htm

Me and Ted when he was a little kitten

Ted and his favourite toy squid

Ted playing in the leaves

RIP Ted we love and miss you so very much.xxxx