Back to Life and the hospital

Last week was horrific!

It started last Tuesday with a visit to my GP for what I thought was a bladder infection, due to my history she couldn't rule out possible cancer spread so suggested I go to A&E and have an MRI scan done that day! Of course this scared the shit out of me but I went along with it. 4 hours waiting in A&E having blood and urine tests and still none the wiser then a chap shows up with a wheel chair and promptly takes me off to a ward where he informs me I am to spend the night! Around 6 in the evening 2 chaps show up and wheel me in my bed off to have the MRI scan, I was in the blasted thing for 40mins with all that noise so came out of it with a massive migraine, I went back to the ward and spent a extremely nervous night there, terrible night not being able to sleep, noisy, people throwing up, people constipated and straining to go next to me, utter nightmare.

At around 2.30 my Oncologist and team came round and we went through everything, apparently the urine test were negative and the MRI didn't show any new lesions phew.......... however, now they want to do a CT scan on my brain, so off I go again in my bed being wheeled by 2 chaps to the CT scanner, scan complete they dragged me back to the ward where I sat nervously waiting for results.

Results through and no I haven't got breast cancer on my brain, the only plus out of all of this is that the scans were done in 24hours and I got the results almost immediately, normally I have to wait 6 weeks for results!

It was still a harrowing experience and one I would not wish on my worst enemy the waiting game, the needles, no veins all the usual fears wrapped into one huge shit sandwich.

Whilst I was cancer free the scans did pick up problems with my back and neck that will need attention and are a result of being on Herceptin and the other drugs affecting my bone density. Back aches, neck spasms are now part of the new norm for me.

Life with cancer is resumed and jolts me back to the reality of what I am living with.

Wish it would just fuck off.

Massive news.....

Last Friday I went in for the results of my latest CT scan, the last one I actually had with dye contrast (they managed to get a needle in) so I was secretly dreading the outcome (you can see more with the contrast) basically I've got the all clear! Yep its happened I've got the all clear, the cancer on both lungs and liver has disappeared or as the Onc's Reg explained its so tiny we can't detect it on the CT scan. This is the best news ever........I am such a lucky, lucky, lucky girl. I knew about the lungs from the start but only found out by accident about the liver when I read a scan report that mentioned lesions on my liver!!! So for them to declare no sign of disease in both lungs and liver is mind blowing. Whilst I was feeling elated the Onc's Reg quickly came back to me with "but of course your never really going to get rid of it, its always going to be there, eventually it will come back, but we will deal with that as and when it shows itself, in the meantime your to continue indefinitely on Herceptin and Anastrozole" and swiftly back down to earth again with a thud. Yep they sure know how to drag you on that roller coaster don't they? I don't care what they say as far as I'm concerned I'm cancer free and I'm not going to let anyone bring me down about this news.

I am living proof that cancer by its very nature of being random can for no reason of its own just disappear. Obviously I've been down the clean and green path (although have too say I've fallen off the wagon recently and enjoy chocolate, biscuits and cake), I've taken every supplement known to man, taken a shit load of cannabis oil (especially in the first year of being dx), I've gone down the conventional route of being poisoned, cut and burned, all in all I've thrown everything at this shit and something has worked or is working and long may it continue.

Whilst walking on air out of the oncology department I waited outside for the other half to pick me up, another lady was waiting and we got chatting, she told me about her dx in her 40's (like me) over 20 years ago!!! with breast cancer, and that it had only just decided to show itself again and now she has all these options and drugs to try out, she told me to stay positive and live my life, she was a breath of fresh air, I figured that as I turn 50 this year if I get another 20 years of life I'll be 70 and that would be ok with me. I wouldn't want to live any longer than that anyway (after watching people in there 80s, 90s including my own grandmother who lived to 103 once you get to a certain age its best to go peacefully than to hang on to life that is full of illness and suffering).

In view of trying to maintain a normal-ish life I wont be posting as often as I used to and whilst this blog has been a constant source of comfort and help in venting and ranting, I would like to try and put the monkey on my shoulder even further behind me and in the distance. Of course I will from time to time post and will keep all of my readers up to date with surgery etc If anyone would like to speak to me or discuss anything at all please leave a comment and I will get back to you.

Remember to LIVE FOR THE MOMENT and SAVOUR EVERY SECOND.
LOVE AND LIGHT TO ALL  OF YOU. XXXX

Scanxiety.......

Yep, its that time again, just had a CT scan this time with contrast. Over the past year they couldn't get a cannula into my veins so I couldn't have the scan with contrast which provides a better all round picture, this time however I went to oncology where the experienced chemo nurses were able to get a cannula in and I had the CT with contrast. This has thrown me into a an anxious, worried person whose not feeling up to much at the moment, praying the results are all good or at the very least stable and so this joyless, shitty ride continues...........

I've said it before and I'll say it again FUCKING CANCER.....

In other news, my father has had yet another stroke this time affecting his lefthand side almost a year to the day of the last one. Feel so much for the poor old fella, he's hanging on in there by the skin of his teeth, he can't swallow so is now on a peg for nutrition, water and medication, his memory is shaky sometimes he's with us and sometimes he's most definitely not, so upsetting. He's been in hospital for a month now and isn't likely to come out anytime soon, so I've been staying at my folks house supporting my brother and mum although I'm home at the moment because I need my own bed once in a while and of course I had hospital appointments. I am being kept up to date of his progress and will be going up again soon to stay and visit.

Spring has arrived and is utterly gorgeous as per usual, feel so grateful to still be around appreciating natures awesome beauty although it is somewhat tainted with the current state of affairs.

Results update........

So after many phone calls, and discussions with the herceptin nurse I finally 12 weeks later get my results of the latest CT scan phew.......... its ok all is the same as before stable. It was my lovely herceptin nurse that actually pushed hard at the hospital and phoned me with results, something she shouldn't have to do, but she did, above and beyond the call of duty, bless her. What would I have done without her?

Not feeling like chatting much at the moment can't be depressed because I'm on anti-depressants! but certainly feel a bit depressed, crazy shit!

I've got a few more appointments, follow up check up, and a echo scan then thats it for the year.

Just want to get this year over and done with, its been a bugger of a year in more ways than one, many things happening that are utter shit, need a fresh start and a new year.

So I'm gonna sign off this year and say Happy Xmas and a Happy New Year to you all, speak to you next year with a more up beat me.

Highs and lows

So went to the hospital for the results of my CT scan and to discuss the latest issues regarding the thyroid and cholesterol. The CT scan was good everything is stable or the same as the last scan big sigh of relief phew........

Not so good was the discussion regarding the massive 5 stone weight gain, treatments and my thyroid. Of course I didn't get to see my actual oncologist as always I see one of his minions a female Dr that for the purpose of this post shall be named Dr C. came out who is very nice BUT wow she just doesn't buy it that the treatments have made me put on this weight which I cannot shift. She told me that the thyroid wasn't anything to do with the cancer and was "something you probably always would of developed" WTF!!! so its got nothing to do with the chemo or the radiotherapy at all, bullshit! of course its to do with treatments I was fine before I got cancer I never went to the doctor and certainly never had a problem with weight gain, thyroid or cholesterol. She then proceeded to tell me that as for the weight gain I needed to watch what I was eating try to eat more green vegetables, eat smaller portions and change my diet. At this point I nearly blew but somehow managed to retain an air of calm in which I informed her of my monumental lifestyle changes she continued to prod me with "you need to do more exercise" I agree BUT I can't do to much as I get out of breath puff and pant and go deep red in the face then sweat profusely to dripping point I kid you not I actually think I am going to have a heart attack just walking up the fucking stairs!! did she listen to me did she hell!! No apparently its all my fault nothing to do with the treatments I eat too much of the wrong thing and don't exercise enough I need to swim for half an hour a day WTF!!! Luckily one of the nice nurses who has known me for as long as I've had cancer backed me up on the lifestyle changes and the organic green juicing etc the doctor just didn't want to hear it I reckon if she could of she would of sat there with both fingers stuck in her ears going lalalalala thats how far she didn't want to accept the fact that all of my problems are caused either directly or indirectly via drugs from the cancer, I have pondered on this and believe it is because if they put there hands up to this an admit its caused by treatments then they would have to deal with them, by denying it they dissolve any responsibility.

I then moved on to having my ovaries removed to which she actually giggled yes thats right laughed at me for such an absurd suggestion! not really though is it? I have ovaries that are fighting back and being kept at bay by a large nasty injection of Zoladex so why the fuck not take the bastards out and have done with it. At this point she left the room to check with my Onc. who sits in another room WHY!!!! god only knows whilst she was out of the room I chatted with the BCN who was just as mystified by the callous response to my questions she told me I could get a second opinion!  Dr C. came back to inform me that my Onc. agreed with her that I didn't need my ovaries out.  Just for the record I DONT FUCKING AGREE WITH EITHER OF THEM.

 Of course what she doesn't know is that one of the so called life saving drugs Arimidex I haven't been taking they prescribed it for me last year after I stopped taking the Tamoxifen telling me that it would be better than Tamoxifen and wouldn't make me put on any weight, after reading the side effects lists I beg to differ weight gain being the most prominent problem with Arimidex so I chose not to take it but have been keeping it a secret from them at the hospital. It is a worry and I have really wrestled with this one but I decided I would rather not be around if I am the size of a house and have to be wheeled round in a chair. Again quality over quantity is my moto and I am sticking to it. The Arimidex is a blocker for oestrogen the Zoladex stops the ovaries from producing oestrogen.

I also asked about the possible removal of my remaining massive breast. I can't wear a bra as my Lymphoedema is on my right hand side torso every time I do wear a bra I get a lot of pain, recently went to a wedding and had to come home early because it was causing me so much pain. It was suggested that I go see the Lymph nurse again....... I don't find that it really helps that much certainly not enough to stop the pain when wearing a bra. So I hit another brick wall.

To end the discussion she pointed out that I am stable and that all the drugs they have so far given me are working and will continue to work for the time being. This kind of shuts me up and makes me feel guilty for even bringing up the subject.  She wasn't interested in the fact that I juice organic green veg, take supplements walk 5 miles a day, don't eat potatoes, bread or dairy.  I am left with this problem what is the point in living if you feel like utter shit and contemplate suicide? Why have I been through all of this shit to come out feeling like life is worthless?

Blood test results

Finally got hold of the GP who ordered the blood test's to verify the status of my thyroid although have to say she wasn't keen on testing my thyroid she seemed to think I needed a test for my blood sugar. So the results were as I thought something is wrong with my thyroid its under active so this means I might need thyroxine tablets to balance it up, however the GP wasn't worried about it and said that usually in this instance they would test me again in 3 months and then if all was the same they would prescribe thyroxine tablets, BUT as I am a cancer patient she didn't know if this new drug would interfere with any of the other drugs I am on so it waiting until I've seen my oncologist which is fairly soon at 11.30 this Friday. I thought that was all but no there is more..... my cholesterol levels are off the scale!!! what the fuck!!!!! I was like "thats to do with diet isn't it?" GP said "yes it can be but in your case its probably to do with all the treatments and drugs unbalancing your body etc" my response was "what shall we do about it" GP reply "I'd rather deal with the thyroid problem first and then we will look at the cholesterol" my response is "urghhhhhhhhhhhh" for fuck sake!!!! So if the cancer doesn't kill me then the cholesterol will eh!!!! GP doesn't seem to want to jump on this and I am very worried about it, herceptin affects your heart muscle not in a good way otherwise they wouldn't be checking my heart every 3 months and now this high cholesterol means my poor ticker is wacked out!!!! Will be seeing my dear Onc. this Friday and taking the test results in so he can ponder over it see what he comes up with. I'll keep you informed of my progress and of course the much anticipated CT scan results urghhhhh it never rains and then it fucking pours..........

Back on the tread mill...

I've had a mixed bag of a month and both ends of the scale extreme high's and rejoicing at selling one of my paintings for over a £1,000 pounds also at the other end so low I could lie down and die. Its is of course down to the hideous hormones and the equally horrible drugs with side effects that are keeping me alive urghhhhh....... its a conundrum and a pretty important one at that. One of the side effects of Zoladex is yet more weight gain and after feeling pretty good with myself about losing a stone I've now put on nearly half a stone and I'm pretty sure its down to the Zoladex oh fucking joy!

So after a break of nearly 4 months I've received a letter from the hospital requesting I attend a CT scan, FFS!!! The scans are obviously necessary BUT they don't half get on my nerves. The staff can never find a decent vein all thanks to chemo they invariably have to go get a doctor because they've exhausted there 3 attempts the doctor tries to put the needle into all the veins I've told them wont work because of chemo and eventually after a good half an hour of poking and prodding they resort to sticking it in my foot I always leave feeling sorry for myself and it takes a couple of days to get over the whole bloody affair. So as you will gather this has put me in a not so good mood and whilst Iv'e tried to put it to the back of my mind I find myself thinking WHY THE FUCK ME? and of course there's the added anxiety of results and the what if's?

This is the last week of my art exhibition and Iv'e got a few more visitors coming to stay then in June I am hoping that everything will go a bit calmer and that I might feel a bit happier.  June is one of my favourite months all the flowers are out and if the weathers alright it really is paradise on earth in the countryside.

Onc. appt. and a Cancer Cluster

Hi all, a quick up date on the results of the latest CT scan and its good I'm still in the stable mabel so can't grumble at that, they will continue to keep an eye on me and scan me etc. No real moans about the appt. either which makes a change the registrar that delivered the news was very nice and very happy to give me some good news. So all is ok at the moment.

Now on the subject of Cancer Cluster I feel I need to share that I've recently found out that 3 of my  ex work colleagues have also been diagnosed with breast cancer 2 of us with secondary breast cancer. This news has floored me!! Could it be down to where you work which in some way has caused cancer? I keep asking myself is it just a coincidence and just cannot accept that this is so. We all worked in an small open plan office at the back of a very old tudor building for around 6 years, I worked as a designer on an old style Mac and the others were proof readers who sat behind me. One of whom is currently fighting for her life as the bastard has spread onto her brain. We're all around the same age. I worked there from my mid to late 30's and then moved down to Devon where I continued to work for the same company. So, what to do about this ummm...... so I've been advised by a fellow breast cancer patient to contact the Alliance for Cancer Prevention Authority here's there link http://allianceforcancerprevention.org.uk/#!/about/ and tell them the story. I'm also contacting former employee's to find out if there is anyone else who has had a breast cancer dx who worked in the same office. Once I've collated the information I will work out what to do about this. I can't leave this alone its just too much of a coincidence and if when we get to the bottom of this it does work out that I was working in a ticking cancer bomb heads will fucking roll. I owe it to myself and all the other women who have worked there and have or are unfortunate to develop breast cancer and all the women that haven't worked there but are going to, someone has to do something and that someone is clearly me.

Here's a link to a famous breast cancer cluster in Australia where 20 women were dx all working for the ABC media corporation in the same building. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vBqYNysfBlo
and another about a group of men nearly 40!! based in an American arm camp all dx with breast cancer
http://www.motherjones.com/environment/2012/05/camp-lejeune-marines-breast-cancer-florence-williams

Health update and two deaths RIP Abbey and Hedley

Hello all, thought I'd better provide an update on the current state of things. Eventually........ the hospital got back to me and told me I was stable (which is kind of worrying as I thought I was clear!!!) they still don't know why I was sent a letter asking me to come for yet another CT scan!!!!! I cannot be arse d to chase this up, is that wrong of me?? maybe but I'm at the stage of cannot be bothered. Stable is still good so I'm not gonna rock the boat.

Another lovely lady called Abbey B. passed away from this disease I fucking hate this shitty vile disease. RIP and fly with the angels.xxxxx

Also my best friends partner aged 62 (she's a lot younger than him and has 2 kids by him) collapsed and died unexpectedly a fortnight ago to say we are all in shock is an understatement. He was at home with his son when he collapsed with breathing problems and by the time the ambulance had arrived he was gone. His son who is 21 gave CPR but to no avail. My best friend is in a state of complete shock we have now had the funeral but it all still feels very very raw and sort of surreal. Who'd of thought it? and this has made my resolve to live for the moment ever more important. I am trying to help her as much as I can by taking cooked food around and generally being there to support her, its so very hard all I want to do is make this better which obviously is impossible as no one can bring him back. I have told her that we love her and will do anything to help her thats all I can do. Its a desperate situation what else can I say....... RIP Hedley I feel for your family at this sad time you were there world. xx

Hospital keeping me on tender hooks AGAIN.....

So you might gather that from the title of this post its not gonna be a good post. Well back in early Oct I had a CT scan the usual 3 monthly one and was told to ring for a results appointment I did phone and had an appointment a week or so ago still no results but Onc assured me that all was going to be ok and that she would phone or write with the results as she didn't anticipate it being anything bad. Fast forward onto today and I have a letter asking me to book yet another CT scan and a blood test at my local GP's so on the face of it doesn't inspire me at all in fact I feel like total shit why can't they just tell me what the fuck is wrong!!!! I mean it is my body right! All this is it bad or isn't it bad shit just tears me apart its so stressful if I didn't have anything wrong before I'm gonna get ill just from the anxiety of it all. Bloody fucking shitty hospital will keep you posted and update this later as I've spoken with Onc's secretary and told her I need some answers by the end of today otherwise I shall just keep ringing and ringing and tomorrow I shall go up there until I know what the fuck is going on.

Life goes on.....

We are still coming to terms with the tragic loss of our lovely Ted we also found out on the same day that one of my close friends mother had lost her battle with Myeloma Cancer we were dx at the same time 3 years ago and had built up a support network for each other both of us enjoying juicing and living life healthy then wallop she's gone, the chemo she had been on stopped working this coupled with a fall in the night where she broke her leg (she was 70) was the final straw and she was put in the hospice and never came out. We will be going to her funeral tomorrow and yet again I am reminded how fragile our existence really is. The weird thing was Christine was also an avid cat lover maybe Ted and Christine are together I know he's in good hands with her. Its so hard Teddy was such a character cat and loved the woodland garden. We walked down through bluebell wood this afternoon and it was stunning somehow it just didn't seem the same without Teddy he loved this time of year.

So, life moves on. Lee has booked up his training course for the offshore Rigging in May and will be away for a week and a half when he returns we will take the next step and see about getting him some offshore work for a 3 week period after which we will be able to afford to move which is what we both want now more than ever due to our recent loss.

I had an oncologist appointment to find out what the hell was going on with the 'something' on my Liver apparently the radiologist wont budge and continues to sit on the fence ie: he wont say whether or not it is cancer. So we are back in square one again and I'm to have yet another blasted CT scan in about 6 weeks time!!! because of the back log. I ask you this is so fucking out of order. I feel like giving up. Then I was asked about my migraines to which I replied yes still getting them infact they have increased last week I had 3 and so far I've woken every day this week with a migraine. Thanks to Sumatriptan I am able to function but its not good to wake daily with extreme nausea and a pounding headache so now they want to do an MRI scan on my head to determine if its cancer or just normal migraine stuff, like ya do!!! The only plus from the appointment was that she (registrar not onc) asked how I was doing on the Tamoxifen I decided as we were being honest and open that I would let rip about the shit. I told her about my aching joints and my massive weight gain nearly 4 stone! she agreed that the side effects were extreme (not everyone will react this way) and that weight gain was definitely a result of taking the drug, they have decided to re-check my blood and see if I am through the menopause if I am then they will take me off the dreaded Tamoxifen and replace with another AI that apparently does not cause weight gain although the joint pain might increase. I don't mind this as my joints are taking a bashing with all this excess weight that I've been carrying around. Bloody hope and pray I am through the menopause. It was left that I shall go back for results in July!! seems like a long flipping wait then! Going to see GP about changing hospital only trouble is I'm worried that if I do it now that things could be forgotten about during the transition, so not sure whether its bad timing to change at the moment.

I've been trying to paint but all this shit the deaths, the drugs, just general cancer shite doesn't inspire me to be creative. However I have managed to finish one painting and I've got some prints done so will drop off at a lovely gallery in Weston.

Will keep you posted as too the Liver and now the Head crap. xx

and breath.......results are in.....and its brilliant.....

Sorry its been a while since I posted on the blog but I've been very busy and admit to completely forgetting about posting!!! which is unusual for me. Anyway back to the post and what is going on with me and my 'something' on the liver. I went for an oncology appointment on the 1st of Nov as per usual a registrar walked in the room and just to complicate things further she's indian not that I'm racist but her pigeon english made it hard to understand exactly what she was saying, luckily whilst we (thats me and my partner Lee) were waiting for the Dr. my BCN walked past the room and popped into to see me, she expressed an interest in why I was there (which amazed me as she's not shown that much interest in me before) she asked if she could be present in the room when the Dr. told me the outcome of the latest CT scan on my liver and I told her of course.

So the Dr. walks into the room and starts to go on about 2 lesions on my liver (yes I was sat there in total shock as no one had ever mentioned anything about lesions) she also said "but of course you knew that" too which I replied "uh no, I didn't know anything about lesions on my Liver I was told something like a shadow" at this point I'm starting to well up and I'm getting a bit angry because she's not understanding the whole reason I'm there is to get the results not too be told stuff I knew already that doesn't make any fucking sense does it!!!! It was at this point that my BCN pipped up (first time ever!!) "has Sarah got breast cancer spread on her liver? or not?" Dr. responds "we think it is fatty tissue and the lumps on the liver are benign (ie: not growing) I'm thinking thank fuck for that and was visibly relieved, BCN also looked relieved then BCN left the room and came back in with my actual oncologist Dr. K. I haven't seem him for nearly 2 years as I either got fobbed off with a registrar and in some part because he was dx with liver cancer a year ago and has been fighting it. He looked well and was very pleased to see me, he told me that "I'm not worried about your Liver its just fatty tissue (probably to do with the chemo and weight gain) and I'm not worried about your Lungs either they are stable and nothing is moving on that front.

We spoke about my treatment ie: Herceptin and Tamoxifen to which he told me they couldn't do anything about the Tamoxifen but he was going to suggest that I transfer from IV Herceptin to sub-cut Herceptin very soon in fact I've just had my last Herceptin by IV the next one will be sub-cut Herceptin. Pretty good job as my veins are pretty shot to pieces and I now live in dread of the next IV (the sub cut will be injected into good old fatty tissue to which I said "I've got enough of that" All in all it was one of the best onc. appt. I've ever had and I let out a huge sigh of relief on the way out the receptionist heard me and said " I presume it was good news, bless you" she's a lovely lady it must be hard working  in there as you get to know all the patients by first name, some survive and some don't, bloody hard job.

The first day of summer......

Today was an especially good day, the sun was out yipeee!! and the garden looked wonderful, birds singing, bee's bimbling about, I managed to do some weeding obviously taking long breaks but feel great just for being outside and taking in the fresh air. Tis good to be alive.

Saw my GP today I usually don't manage to get my actual GP always seem to get one of the other Dr's but I specifically asked for him today and amazingly got an appointment with him, it was probably the best GP's appointment I've had in a very long time, he didn't rush me and sat patiently listening to all my aches and pains I also asked if he could find out when my next CT scan was as I was told they would be every 3 months initially its been nearly 5 months since the last one and I've had radiotherapy since then so really really want to know what the situation is with my lung mets and he agreed that of course I would be anxious to know considering the period of time and the treatments I've had, so he's going to write to my Onc. and ask him, he also gave me some Codeine for my cough and too help with sleeping, also some Clonidine to help with the terrible hot flushes and apparently it might help with the dreaded migraines, he even rubbed my rock hard shoulders and neck (probably due to anxiety) and told me to get some acupuncture. Can't tell you how much this means to me. RESULT.

Refreshed but still worried

Been away visiting for a week up in Weston-super-Mare, saw all my old friends and stayed with my parents, feel quite refreshed now even though I was very naughty eating chocolates and drinking lots of tea and coffee all the things I'm supposed to of given up, now I'm back home and drinking the green juice, don't get me wrong its powerful stuff and I think really works, but it was so nice to feel normal going out and having lunches just being normal. Its certainly works wonders a trip away, unfortunately the trip was saddened by the sudden passing of my best friends dad, we'd travelled up together and now she's stuck there looking after her mother who has motor neurons disease, I asked her what I could do for her but really there is nothing I can do other than just be here for emotional support, due to this unforeseen circumstance I shall probably be going up to Weston more frequently.

Slightly worried cause I got a persistant itch on my mx site :0( the nurses at the hospital said they thought it was probably to do with the rads but I'm not so sure and really really need to have a ct scan last one was in Oct last year since then I've done 3 weeks of rads and been on tamoxifen and herceptin all of these could of had some impact on the stuff on my lungs. I have been to my GP and asked him to write to my Onc. about a ct scan but still no reply, so niggling in the back of my mind is the need for a ct scan and the constant worry this brings. Every ache or even slight pain is a source of worry, living with cancer is so hard not just physically but emotionally. Sorry this post ended up a bit negative but thats how I feel.