Highs and lows

So went to the hospital for the results of my CT scan and to discuss the latest issues regarding the thyroid and cholesterol. The CT scan was good everything is stable or the same as the last scan big sigh of relief phew........

Not so good was the discussion regarding the massive 5 stone weight gain, treatments and my thyroid. Of course I didn't get to see my actual oncologist as always I see one of his minions a female Dr that for the purpose of this post shall be named Dr C. came out who is very nice BUT wow she just doesn't buy it that the treatments have made me put on this weight which I cannot shift. She told me that the thyroid wasn't anything to do with the cancer and was "something you probably always would of developed" WTF!!! so its got nothing to do with the chemo or the radiotherapy at all, bullshit! of course its to do with treatments I was fine before I got cancer I never went to the doctor and certainly never had a problem with weight gain, thyroid or cholesterol. She then proceeded to tell me that as for the weight gain I needed to watch what I was eating try to eat more green vegetables, eat smaller portions and change my diet. At this point I nearly blew but somehow managed to retain an air of calm in which I informed her of my monumental lifestyle changes she continued to prod me with "you need to do more exercise" I agree BUT I can't do to much as I get out of breath puff and pant and go deep red in the face then sweat profusely to dripping point I kid you not I actually think I am going to have a heart attack just walking up the fucking stairs!! did she listen to me did she hell!! No apparently its all my fault nothing to do with the treatments I eat too much of the wrong thing and don't exercise enough I need to swim for half an hour a day WTF!!! Luckily one of the nice nurses who has known me for as long as I've had cancer backed me up on the lifestyle changes and the organic green juicing etc the doctor just didn't want to hear it I reckon if she could of she would of sat there with both fingers stuck in her ears going lalalalala thats how far she didn't want to accept the fact that all of my problems are caused either directly or indirectly via drugs from the cancer, I have pondered on this and believe it is because if they put there hands up to this an admit its caused by treatments then they would have to deal with them, by denying it they dissolve any responsibility.

I then moved on to having my ovaries removed to which she actually giggled yes thats right laughed at me for such an absurd suggestion! not really though is it? I have ovaries that are fighting back and being kept at bay by a large nasty injection of Zoladex so why the fuck not take the bastards out and have done with it. At this point she left the room to check with my Onc. who sits in another room WHY!!!! god only knows whilst she was out of the room I chatted with the BCN who was just as mystified by the callous response to my questions she told me I could get a second opinion!  Dr C. came back to inform me that my Onc. agreed with her that I didn't need my ovaries out.  Just for the record I DONT FUCKING AGREE WITH EITHER OF THEM.

 Of course what she doesn't know is that one of the so called life saving drugs Arimidex I haven't been taking they prescribed it for me last year after I stopped taking the Tamoxifen telling me that it would be better than Tamoxifen and wouldn't make me put on any weight, after reading the side effects lists I beg to differ weight gain being the most prominent problem with Arimidex so I chose not to take it but have been keeping it a secret from them at the hospital. It is a worry and I have really wrestled with this one but I decided I would rather not be around if I am the size of a house and have to be wheeled round in a chair. Again quality over quantity is my moto and I am sticking to it. The Arimidex is a blocker for oestrogen the Zoladex stops the ovaries from producing oestrogen.

I also asked about the possible removal of my remaining massive breast. I can't wear a bra as my Lymphoedema is on my right hand side torso every time I do wear a bra I get a lot of pain, recently went to a wedding and had to come home early because it was causing me so much pain. It was suggested that I go see the Lymph nurse again....... I don't find that it really helps that much certainly not enough to stop the pain when wearing a bra. So I hit another brick wall.

To end the discussion she pointed out that I am stable and that all the drugs they have so far given me are working and will continue to work for the time being. This kind of shuts me up and makes me feel guilty for even bringing up the subject.  She wasn't interested in the fact that I juice organic green veg, take supplements walk 5 miles a day, don't eat potatoes, bread or dairy.  I am left with this problem what is the point in living if you feel like utter shit and contemplate suicide? Why have I been through all of this shit to come out feeling like life is worthless?