Enter the dark dark woods at your peril (severe swearing involved)

Very bad day today, cried all afternoon after having a go at my other half, my emotions and moods are surreal at the moment, one minute ultra happy the next I'm looking for an easy way out and when I say easy way out I mean it, seriously considering doing myself in today and really don't care about anything or anyone for the matter. Life is hard enough without having this s**ty breast cancer, the drugs I am on (tamoxifen/herceptin) make you into some sort of other worldly screaming banshie, they interfere with your ovaries and the production of estrogen which is feeding my cancer, but we need our estrogen we are women its part of being a woman to produce these hormones, I even dared to ask the questions "am I being punished ?" and if so "what the fuck did I do wrong?" I always thought I'd have children or at least one now all hope of having my own has faded away I was getting on in age anyway and now I'm likely to be on this dreaded tamoxifen for the next 5 years that should put a stop to any chance of conceiving and even if I did I question whether its really fair to bring a child into the world when lets face it I might not survive to oversee its upbringing, arghhhhhh I FUCKING HATE (when I say hate I really really mean it) CANCER seriously tho I was so very nasty to him, no need for it just plain awful, thats when I started crying and could not stop for 3 hours!!!! solidly, my eyes I can't open, what;s the fucking point. I do frequent the BC forums but the last time I opened up on a post feeling low I got some smart alec comment from another BC patient that made me not want to vent my rage or feelings this is why I started a blog its the only place I can air my proverbial dirty laundry all be it that I am probably talking to myself, why change the habit of a lifetime no one listens to me anyway and now I think they are all convinced that I must of done something wrong to get this in the first place, ergo whatever she's say's thinks is utter crap!!! A small thank you to myself for setting up such a blog in the first place so that I do have an outlet for tamoxifen induced suicidal feelings and pent up rage. When I stopped crying my missing boob started to hurt maybe all the upset is gonna give me more cancer oh what joy life is, the easy way out seems more appealing than ever. To top it all its FUCKING CHRISTMAS.