Life fucking sucks!!!! the reason being as usual the incredibly annoying and fucking awful weight gain!! Before all this utter shit happened to me I was a size 8 happy go lucky, active woman happy in my own skin, not terribly attractive but passable human being, since cancer so much has changed mainly due to the appalling fucking weight gain its just never ending...... I feel like an alien in my own skin, I don't recognise the person in the mirror, I'd rather be on my own hide away from the world because I can't face the rest of human kind, I had and still have a lot of friends but I see there disbelief in there faces they just can't come to terms with the new fatter me!!! it blows me away it must be just as bad for them. I'm still Sarah, still me on the inside I try to make myself look better but I catch a glimpse of myself in a reflection and think who the fuck is that????!!!!!! I try not to look into any mirrors now its so depressing!!! god knows what my partner really thinks, he's tried to reassure me that he loves me no matter what I look like hence the reason everyone believes he's an angel which no doubt he probably is. I find the bigger I get the more invisible to others I seem to be. I get cut out of conversations people don't want to converse with me.
Food becomes a problem I don't want to eat in front of others I feel like I am being judged. Most people assume the weight is because I eat too much. In fact the weight is down to the fucking awful tablets and Zoladex injection that pile it on. I was never a shallow person or even that bothered about what I looked like before all of this happened to me admittedly I wasn't exactly a super model but I looked alright, now its utterly painful facing the truth that I look fat and ugly. Its harder in the summer everyone wears a lot less because of the heat, living by the coast I used to be one of those girls living in her shorts and vest top, swimming in the sea loving life by the sea. Now the nearest I get to swimming is paddling I don't want to get my horrible body out for all to gawp at nothing fits me I am getting so big even the massive wet suit doesn't fit anymore. I so wish I could go and swim in the sea and feel happy to do so. I was loosing the weight and lost a stone until my bloody periods came back then they at the hospital told me I need to shut my ovaries down as they were producing so much oestrogen so I've been on Zoladex injections this has the unwanted side effect of more weight gain. Everything that is related to oestrogen rich breast cancer gives you weight gain and I seem particularly susceptible to it. I am seriously thinking of stopping all the drugs including the Zoladex shots whats the point in living when you feel so utterly depressed. The question is am I ready for the ramifications of stopping the drugs?, have I reached my 'going to hit the fuck it button' yet? I am told by my Onc. and Dr's that going drug free might and most probably will kill me BUT anytime I had left would be happy and whose to say I wouldn't survive? I might be one of the lucky ones and live to tell the tale. The ultimate question is Quality over Quantity? something only I can answer. Love and light to you all xxx
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