Constantly whirring around in my brain are the most bizarre thoughts, the worst being death, my own, questions that arise are is it going to be quick? will I suffer? is it painful? will I go on to the other place? (spiritually speaking) also what will happen when I've gone? will lee and the cats cope without me? this may sounds stupid but its all part of the utter nightmare that is cancer. I worry about the fact that I probably won't out live my cats! they are young at 4 and a 1/2 the other is 3, I love them so much, my partner lee is a younger man than myself at 31 even if I died in 5 years time he would still be young enough to carry on meet someone else and have a family, something we would dearly of loved to of had, obviously I hope with all my heart that he will meet someone else and start a family and live a life full of joy and love he deserves it, he's had too put up with me and this cancer shit for the best part of a year, and as I've got secondaries for as long as I last.
You see cancer isn't just about the person who has it its about all those around that person the loved ones, family and friends, I think my own parents are probably living in denial bless them, wish I could live in denial but in order to fight this shit you have to face up to it. My brother has gone nuts on a health kick its freaked him out so much and again I don't really think he has accepted my dx and some of my friends when I told them the breast cancer had spread onto my lungs I think they just chose to not hear or pretend it was not happening. We all cope with trauma in different ways, I have good and bad days today is so so, not great but better than sunday when I suffered with a massive migraine and sickness and actually wished for a swift end. I find as time goes by I am actually becoming very matter of fact about death and dying, I worry about the fact that my parents and partner don't have loads of money and what if they can't afford to bury me! or that my funeral will put everyone in debt.
These are not the conversations anybody should have in there mind this is what cancer does to you.
Thank you for voicing what so many secretly ponder. I'm sure you will not leave until the exact right moment for you, when your loved ones are ready-enough (hopefully not for many, many years yet). You seem such a sweet, lovely person (sorry if that sounds icky) so please never fear a bad end or a bad beyond.
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