and another thing.....

As you can see from my last post I am very depressed at the moment and to some extent think its because I'm not producing any paintings anymore (not the designs of the last post), I really don't want cancer to stop me from being creative but don't feel like creating ever since I got dx, why?? I am perplexed by this and don't believe its just me as other creative types with breast cancer are also complaining about not feeling the urge. I suppose I put art up on a pedestal and for the last 20 years it has been my everything, thinking about it I feel that maybe a part of me is blaming art/design for my getting cancer, I was really stressed out before dx, it's really hard trying to make a living from your art, some months you make no money at all and then maybe over night your make a small fortune, and then sometimes big companies rip you off (see previous post) it certainly is not for the faint hearted.

My OH (other half) has gone visiting his family this afternoon which is a good thing, he's not seen them for a while and I think we both need a break from each other, this is not too say that I don't love him any less but I think he would agree we need some time to ourselves. When I was first dx I hated being on my own I was so very lonely I still suffer with loneliness but its of the inward variety, the sort that only others experiencing breast cancer and all its associated problems will understand, most of the time I feel like an alien inside my own body this is because since being dx I have put on nearly 2 stone in weight for the first time in my life before I was always a stable size 8-10 now I can range anything from sizes 12 -14 I am not used to my body hence the recent injury this could also be attributed to chemo brain which I am suffering from, your brain just does not function like it did before chemo its sort of like living in a constant fog its a phenomena known by the phrase 'chemo brain'.

Just had a stroll around the field at the back of the flats, its beautiful even on a wintery day like today I can hear some dogs barking in the distance and the sound of the huntsman's gun the poor pheasants don't stand a chance. The perk of living in the countryside is being so close to nature but the downside is the country people who I have too say are not that friendly and their ways, they just love to hunt and kill this is nothing new they have hunted with dogs and guns for a very long time but I suppose I am waring of the seasonal slaughter also find them so rude and very hard to get to know, some of them can be so aloof and unfortunately very stuck up, we have lived here for over 8 years and we hardly know anyone around here. It is for this reason as well as others that we have decided to look for somewhere else to live preferably a little nearer civilisation but sill on the outskirts of a good city. So far living here has not brought us any luck or happiness I feel maybe I need to move on to fresh pastures somewhere we can flourish and I can learn to adjust to a new me. This place with all its beauty is now tainted for me and only serves as a constant reminder of the recent past and my terrible dx.