MEGA WARNING AND ADVANCE APOLOGIES TO ALL THOSE SENSITIVE SOULS OR THE OVERLY POSITIVE READERS OF THIS BLOG SEVERE SWEARING AND MASSIVE NEGATIVITY IN THIS NEXT POST IN THE WORDS OF CAT STEVENS "I CANT KEEP IT IN, I GOTTA LET IT OUT.....
So my last post was a moral and a wise one too but I am very very depressed today I'm not sure whether it is to do with the huge constantly spreading black/blue bruise that is now covering most of my upper leg and thigh from the fall the other day (last post I was sort of jovial about it not anymore) or whether its to do with the tiny tablet I take every day called tamoxifen, if it is the tamoxifen then why is it such a fucking paradox that the drug thats keeping me a live can also make me feel so fucking suicidal!!! See a total fucking paradox!!! I spent most of the morning juicing organic green vile shit and taking my supplements all of which is pro-life, then I take that stupid tablet that totally messes with my hormones and I feel like throwing myself off of the sea cliffs at the end of the road. No one understands me, not even my inner circle of friends and family, I feel so utterly alone in this. When I do have an moan about something thats bothering me I am told that I am over reacting, or not being fair or being unreasonable. Maybe I am but it feels like its always me thats in the wrong about every fucking thing and I am sick to the teeth of it. Sometimes I think its because I've got this fucking cancer that they believe that I must be doing something wrong, I am not fucking wrong all the time they have to accept that they can be wrong also just because they haven't got cancer doesn't mean to say they are holier than thou. People say "you look so well" and they forget that I am living with secondary breast cancer, of course I look well you would too if you plastered your face with enough make-up, honestly!! I suppose some of this rant can be attributed to the mounting anger inside of me about having to live with such a bastard of a disease I would of much rather been taken straight away at least that way you cant see the fucker thats gonna get you eventually, eventually being the operative word, no one knows when but I pretty sure I know whats gonna kill me cause I've been living up close and fucking personal with the evil little shit for the past 18 months!!! Apart from the injury, tamoxifen, and the insensitivity of everyone else there is one other thing thats pissing me off but I don't want to go into it now except for to say it involves relationships and families enough said eh!. I almost forgot to mention that on top of all of this it would appear that I have been well and truly ripped off by the major high St retail shop Paperchase, some of you may or may not know that as well as a cancer survivor I am also a designer/artist, as a designer I send out my artworks to reputable companies to sell my designs to them I also work with an agent but you have to try everything in the design industry the low down is that they have ripped me off and not paid me a penny for it, just adds insult to injury and makes for a right bummer of a week here's a link to my design blog where you can read all about it http://sweets-art.blogspot.co.uk/. Anyway enough of the rant, am I glad I got that lot off of my chest, I'm off to take some pain killers and camp out on the sofa, maybe "I'm a celebrity" will cheer me up. xxx
No comments:
Post a Comment