Today it is exactly one year since I was dx with breast cancer , not sure how I feel, sort of very mixed feelings, trying to remember what my life was like before the dx, I was happier but stressed, oh and i had a lot more hair (although that is growing back now), it is wierd to think I've been dealing with this shit for a year and it has passed so quickly, not thinking about it nearly as much as in the beginning but still is not out of my mind totally don't suppose it ever will be but I do have a lot to be grateful for and I have learned a lot about myself and how I relate to others, still facing challenges daily and trying to workout what to do with the rest of my life, I really hope I get there and find what it is I'm to do.
Before all of this I was the stereotypical tortured artist trying to make a name for myself (with very little success) working very hard doing 'normal' job on night shifts to pay my way, drifting for what seemed like years, everything was so career focused, I had a plan to get my art career off the ground then to have children, part of that plan will never become a reality for me as I am now in early menopause all thanks to chemo/tamoxifen, so children are out of the question, this is a big regret, one of my friends suggested I adopt something I would dearly love to do but have BC secondaries and don't think I would be allowed to adopt also is it really 'right' or 'fair' given that my life expectancy might not be that long, of course no one knows how long anyone is going to live but its something that constantly crosses my mind.
Sorry for the way this post sounds a bit sad, but it is sad, very very sad, like I said I am truly grateful for everything I have and for the most precious gift of all my life, but that doesn't stop me from grieving for the life I might of had.
Love and congratulations to all survivors
xxxxx
No comments:
Post a Comment