Tomorrow I turn 48 and wow hasn't my 40's flown!, so much crammed into 8 years. I had just turned 43 when first dx with both primary and secondary breast its nearly a whooping 5 years since this shit storm started. At that time I was looking at a possible extension of 5 years to my life well that milestone is nearly reached and I don't want to stop, I want to continue and reach another 5 and another 5 and another 5 maybe I could reach old age, most people expect to live to a ripe old age they never contemplate whether they will or not they just expect it. When people say to me "well you could get run over by a bus" this statement is such a cop out, it infuriates me, it is true that no one knows when they are going to die and yes its true that anyone could be knocked over by a bus and killed BUT that doesn't make living with the knowledge that you have had and are still living with cancer any easier, I reckon I know what number bus is going to hit me I just don't know exactly when perhaps it would be easier for them if I could tell them the time and date of my expiry!! people who aren't walking around with cancer don't have such thoughts about death and dying because they are living in IGNORANT BLISS they do not understand what I and others in my shoes are going through and can never imagine the daily torment of living with this vile disease. Everyday is a milestone every minute is a blessing and a confirmation is living in the moment.
When you truly live in the moment you don't look too far ahead into the future if your thinking about tomorrow today then your not living in the moment. Its not easy to live in the moment the best way to try to obtain this perfect status is to meditate for at least 20 min a day, I am currently registered to listen for free to Deepak Chopra and Oprah Winfrey 21 meditation here's a link https://chopracentermeditation.com/ its a 21 day meditation programme guided by Deepak Chopra (not sure why Oprah Winfrey is in on it probably to do with sales!) Deepak is an excellent forward thinker extremely clever, and his philosophy on life is refreshing and complete. I find his voice extremely comforting and I always manage to go into that relaxed state of being. This really helps you to live in the moment and enjoy the here and now. I can't recommend it enough. The 21 day sessions one for each day have just started and are free after which you have to buy the cd or pop onto youtube where you might find some of his earlier guided meditations. It will give you a good solid base to develop your 'living in the moment' state of being.
I'm going away for my birthday seeing old friends and family spending a few days away from the flat which is quite a good thing, I am feeling a bit down at the moment probably to do with these stupid milestones but also because even though I love our flat and its location we have lived here for 12 years I am starting to think we need to move on, start a fresh, and create new memories in a different space, somewhere that isn't tainted with cancer. So much has happened in this flat and to be honest with you not all that good, redundancy, death, depression, struggle and finally cancer have all shaped our existence living in what most people consider to be paradise, its left an indelible mark on our lives and where we live. So going away is a good thing, I am hoping to return with less confusion over this issue.
My new take on that Happy Birthday Song is
Happy Birthday to me
Cancer's not gonna get me
Happy Birthday Sarah the Survivor
Happy Birthday to me
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