Lfe and Death - RIP DAD

Its been quite a while since I posted on this blog and I have avoided posting anything about my dad to date but as he has now passed away I feel I can now write and tell you all what we (as a family have been going through).

3 years ago my lovely dad had a stroke initially it was thought we had caught it early and after a long time in hospital and medication he eventually came home then just over a year ago he had another stroke this time it was worse and he didn't come home instead he ended up in a nursing home being unable to eat, blind in one eye, unable to talk or have a conversation and incontinent, I was devastated and for the past year I've been busy going up and down to Somerset visiting, then in May this year I had a phone call from my brother telling me dad was in his last days. Myself and my brother watched my dad pass away a peaceful calm death at the age of 75 after struggling with the effects of strokes for the past 3 years. Its been a little over 4 weeks since he passed and the grief is all consuming, its in everything I do, I try and try to get on with things but I keep returning to dad. This is so so hard, I loved him so much, he was a quiet man but as my grandma said "a true gentleman". I miss his sparkling blue eyes, his calm serene nature and his unconditional love for all his family. Dealing with death of a loved one brings life into sharp focus again, just like it did when I was first dx, life continues but its never the same there is always going to be a dad shaped hole in my life.

Finally a Hot Flush Fixer!!!!

After trying a myriad of methods, treatments and therapies to rid myself of the dreaded sweating, nausea, and hot hot hot feeling (not in a good sunbathing way), I've finally think I may of found something its called Magnesium Citrate and is available from all good health shops you need a high dose not more than 350 mgs a day but it really really works, I've not had one so far today, usually I would be on hot flush and symptoms no 11 by now sometimes even worse, like every 5mins! It was getting ridiculous, to the point of wanting to live in a cold shower or just lie down and die! which I know sounds stupid but honestly this thing the menopause is no joke and for some of us doomed to suffer either from a natural menopause or a chemically induced one it affects all areas of your life. Making you so depressed you just want to end it all. Please don't underestimate how shit it makes you feel its NOT as suggested to me like going to a hot country and sunning yourself, its horrific.

Any women reading this and think they have tried everything just try this Magnesium Citrate not only does it help with your hot flushes it also helps with feeling tired and helps you if your constipated, I honestly can't recommend this enough.

Flat chested and happy.........

Its been a fair few weeks now down the line since the 2nd mastectomy and I am feeling a lot better. A couple of weeks after the op I wasn't so impressed I had an infection in my wound which needed antibiotics and I also needed to have the area drained twice again not impressed but managed to get through it, I kept reminding myself I've been through worse and survived and I was right. what didn't help was catching flu around new year that really wiped me out and made it very difficult I was actually throwing up and the pressure of heaving made my scar area fill with fluid hence having to have it drained twice. The bug was much worse than the operation and I am so glad its all over and done with.

New Year new body, new me......


Results in from my latest CT scan are good or rather everything is stable so all in all very positive. I am now just looking at one hospital appointment next week for my 3 weekly Herceptin and then a break from going to hospital or appointments for at least 3 weeks and no intermediate appointments. YAY...... feels good to think I'm through the worst of it, with CT scan done, Oncology appointment done, bloods and echo scan done. Phewwwww

Feeling a lot lot lighter and not walking with a bob out of balance or weird gait anymore as the boob is gone and makes me feel normal I know that sounds strange but the one massive boob was such a pain in the arse and made me feel so abnormal, its the best thing I've ever had done since this whole thing started and I am hopeful that this year will see an improvement on all health fronts because of it. Migraines whilst still there are not as frequent as I was getting them and not quite as intense, neck pain on my left hand side is also not as bad so whilst the migraines cannot be blamed entirely on the boob now its gone I have noticed a difference and its for the better. I am feeling a lot happier although of course it goes with out saying I would of been at my happiest if I had never gotten fucking breast cancer but hey ho.......

All in all everything is proceeding in a positive way and I am feeling a lot better about myself and my new life living with secondary breast cancer.

2nd Mastectomy, 2nd time lucky.......RESULT

Those of you who read my post's will already know about my cancelled operation see post NHS no beds...

I finally have another appointment on the 27th of November as a day patient so I will be going home on the same day (apparently this is the new norm with mastectomy operations) got everything crossed to get this operation out of my way this year. New surgeon is fantastic so all is good on that front.

UPDATE

6 days out of surgery YAY it happened this time. Turns out that going home was a good move although I had to go back into hospital on the Friday for a drain check/removal, they were going to replace the bottle however, I told them next week I have a CT Scan, an echo heart scan, Herceptin injection not all on the same day, they decided to take the drain out to save me another visit to the hospital. Thank god for that!!!

Feeling very sore as one would expect and not sure about the wound its a bit gunky but I have Herceptin tomorrow so shall show the nurses see what they think.

Other than that its wonderful to feel flat chested no sinister lumps and bumps no lady humps to worry about. Looking forward to a boob free life. No tears so far I don't miss them or it! Looking forward to a few months down the line when this will be a distant memory.

Life on anti-depressants

Anti-depressants have become a part of the my life, I never expected that I would have to take medication for depression although looking back I've always been more depressive than upbeat. After being dx I thought I was doing fine, in fact with lack of oestrogen I wasn't as moody as before, leading me to believe that my mood swings were a result of out of balance hormones. Initially I was put on anti-d's for the menopausal symptoms to alleviate the hot flushes caused by an early chemical menopause (which by the way are still as horrendous as they always were) this worked for a while but eventually they stopped working and I am now back in the hot and sweaty position I was before. Trouble is I can't seem to get off them. I want to come off them as they aren't working for what I they were prescribed for. Of course I realise I probably wouldn't of been able to cope with what life has chucked at me over the past 7 years if it wasn't for the tablets.

The best way of describing being on anti-d's is that :

Normal life is full of a rainbow of colours, dazzling,vibrant, bright and alive, once your on anti-d's this rainbow doesn't stop but its muted, toned down, nothing is as bright as before, everything feels safe, everything feels beige....... 

The thing is life isn't beige, things happen, life throws curve balls in all shapes and forms, sometimes its amazingly wonderful and at other times its hard to fathom how to cope. I feel dumbed down, on the one hand I don't get stressed out about ANYTHING and I mean anything, everyone tells me how well I cope with my dx but really I don't give a shit because I'm living in the safety of a beige world where nothing touches me, apart from my dad having 2 strokes and is now in nursing home that really upset me and I actually found myself crying but not for long as the ant-d's take the edge off of everything.

Im going to try and ween myself off of them in an attempt to feel like me again. I need the colour back in my life, I need to be me again in all my kaleidoscope of colours.

Secondary Breast Cancer - After care

Hello to those that follow me or to anyone thats interested. This blog post is on a subject that is extremely important to me and anyone else who is currently dealing with secondary breast cancer dx. Its about after care, so far my team at the hospital have been amazing BUT I still don't have a dedicated Breast Cancer Nurse who specialises in a secondary dx. The general Breast Care Nurse only works on a Wednesday and Friday.

This disease as we all know affects all of us differently with 10 sub-groups and various levels to those groups, I think we would all agree that a new approach is needed if we are to move forward with our lives and living with such a dx. The disease affects everyone so differently and what might work for one doesn't necessarily work for another. Fundamentally we need help, specialised help from a dedicated secondary nurse who is at the other end of the phone (not just on a Wednesday and Friday). At the moment we have the wonderful Breast Cancer Care Charity who have a hot line to ring if you need it and I do ring it, to discuss all sorts of problems from treatments to side effects as well as personal emotional issues, but it would be a lot better if I had someone I had grown to trust and know, who understands me and my dx, who can offer real educated advice on all sorts of matters not just medical but also on an emotional level.

Here's al link to Breast Cancer Cares campaign 'Secondary, not Second Rate' https://www.breastcancercare.org.uk/sites/default/files/secondary-nursing-report.pdf this outlines my feelings on this subject and offers an insight into how we can help others live there lives with care and compassion.

No Beds NHS

Wow, didn't expect that. Turned up at my appointment for operation on the 12th I had to get a lift with my other half who couldn't take any time off work so I was at the hospital bright and early, waited 3 hours before my appointment time, at 11 oclock I walked into the ward and they started to do the usual, admin form filing in, gave me surgical tights and got me changed into a gown then out of the blue a lady turned up and asked to speak to me in private where she revealed that my operation had been cancelled that day as there wasn't any beds available. I have heard that this happens but why didn't they contact me the day before???? urgh........... back to the drawing board. I was then stranded at the hospital feeling knackered and starting to develop a migraine, talked my partner into picking me up and taking me home so got home about 3ish......what a long, waste of time day that was.

2nd Mastectomy

Some people will know that I have always wanted the left hand breast removed. From the very beginning when I was first dx I wanted to have both off but the surgeon wouldn't perform it saying and I quote "I never remove a healthy breast" however I argued that with secondaries as well I wasn't living with a healthy breast but rather a ticking time bomb. Not only was it a cancer bomb waiting to erupt but also it had grown from a size 32 to 42 in a very short time making it stupidly large, also I can't wear a bra as when they took the bad boob they also took a lot of lymph nodes out down the side of my body where your bra strap sits this causes a lot of pain when I wear a bra hence not being able to wear a bra making me feel out of balance, looking out of balance, carrying extra weight on that side and a boob that is feeling the force of gravity altogether a right pain in the tit! Seriously though, I have been suffering with the odd weird pain in that breast and of course worry like mad that its something more sinister.

So finally after a lot of pushing on my part the powers that be have agreed that to remove it wouldn't be such a strange idea and are now offering me surgery dates of the 12th of September, I only got informed of this on Friday 31st August, so got this weekend to discuss and go over everything with my long suffering partner. Who agrees it should go.

Weekend over and decision is made. Pre-op this Thursday and operation next Wednesday.

Feeling a little anxious but I know it makes sense and thank god for the NHS I can have the operation and with any luck will live a little longer.

Wish me luck.

The cost of cancer....

Its taken me a long time to write this post mainly because of the stigma attached to claiming any sort of benefit especially if your disability is invisible ie: your not in a wheel chair. Living with any type of cancer is expensive, it costs just to keep you alive as the pharmacy companies that develop life saving drugs charge a kings ransom and in fact some members of the general public believe it is costing them (in there taxes and NI contribution) a small fortune to keep "cancer patients alive" and that its "not cost effective" quoted by someone who shall remain nameless but I can assure you has pointed this out to me on several occasions, exclaiming that "if I got cancer I wouldn't do chemo or any of the drugs" uh like you know what its like to live with cancer!!! Anyway I deviate so cancer costs everyone a lot of money, from the NHS, the general public and also us cancer patients.

Living with cancer is so expensive, back in 2011 when I was dx I didn't imagine in my wildest dreams that a) I would still be here and b) that it would make life so dam difficult if I did survive.
Initially when I was dx my partner had too work extra hard to make ends meet, he was also taking me to hospital, caring for me at home, doing all the domestics as well as watching the person he loved falling apart. He is my ROCK and has continued to be throughout this whole nightmare. At the time I was dx I had been made redundant and was not working anyway (although I do think this may of caused undue stress and perhaps contributed to my getting cancer in the first place) after a year I applied for DLA and after a small fight received it this carried on until earlier this year when the government replaced the benefit for PIP (which is just another way for the the politicians to claw back money, make themselves look smart for saving money whilst paying themselves extortionate amount of money and lining there own pockets). The outrage this new benefit has caused targeting the disabled is criminal. My illness is invisible, I am not in a wheel chair however that doesn't mean to say that living with an incurable disease doesn't have its disabilities. Chemo changed me forever, it put me into early, chemical menopause leaving me with a multitude of severe side effects ranging from hot flushes (not as innocent as it sounds), massive weight gain (5 stone for the first time ever in my life and its not budging no matter what I do) huge mood swings, depression. Then onto drug side effects Herceptin isn't supposed to have side effects but I am here to tell you for me personally it does, ranging from bad feet (toenails falling off, terrible dry skin and itching) to migraines which can and do occur regularly ie: 4 a week! The only way to get rid of the migraines is to take Sumatriptan which in tern has its own side effects, worryingly it affects my bone density and has contributed to the latest worry and hospital stay (see last post), taking anti-hormonal medication to stop my cancer from feeding on oestrogen also cause a plethora of side effects, mainly joint pain (also can cause osteoporosis) affecting bone density, leaving me like an old lady and some days barely able to walk. So there you have it all of which affect my day to day living. This sounds like I am having a moan but I'm simply illustrating how debilitating living with this disease is. It goes without saying I am eternally grateful to still be here but it's at a cost. I also take supplements and since my DLA has stopped can no longer afford to take them, so I am now in the horrible position of freaking out about not taking supplements that might of contributed to my stable status. As always I worry is it going to come back or spread further now that I am not taking these supplements. My partner is a builder and doesn't earn that much money, I earn no money and now I'm in the worst position possible. We rent our home and just about cover the bills, cutting down on food and not putting the heating on, or using water, watching every penny, It wasn't like we were flush with money before when I was on benefit, the benefit covered my supplement cost and alternative therapies and gave me an independent quality of life. Now I am totally supported by my partner, if he leaves me where will I be (not that he would but what if) life is hard enough without all this added worry and I feel utterly depressed about the whole situation, I've actually been wondering what is the point in fighting/surviving cancer its making me that upset and ill.

Leading me back to the main reason for this post. Earlier this year whilst I was in the middle of moving house the DLA wrote to me inviting me to apply for PIP I was so busy moving house and dealing with my dad who has had yet another stroke and was in hospital, I couldn't deal with it and left it, they stopped my money very very quickly in January even though I was awarded it up until March this year. Since then I have had no money of my own and at this point would like to add that I worked and paid into the system all of my life up until I got made redundant. I've applied for jobs but I don't even get an interview, as most of my new life is made up of hospital and Dr's appointments or dealing with the after effects of drugs and cancer getting a full time job is impossible and any job that I would get would have to put up with me being off ill regularly, given the choice between ill person and well person if I was an employer I know which one I would choose. So back to what am I going to do? Honestly I don't know what to do! I suppose the DLA thought I'd be dead by now must be a massive inconvenience for them to find that I am still alive.

Anyone got any ideas how I'm going to cope? or any suggestions? or information on benefits I can claim other than dole money. I can't claim dole as I can't be available for work all the time as my illness makes it impossible to get a job. This is my current status and I reiterate the title of this post Cancer costs money.......

Back to Life and the hospital

Last week was horrific!

It started last Tuesday with a visit to my GP for what I thought was a bladder infection, due to my history she couldn't rule out possible cancer spread so suggested I go to A&E and have an MRI scan done that day! Of course this scared the shit out of me but I went along with it. 4 hours waiting in A&E having blood and urine tests and still none the wiser then a chap shows up with a wheel chair and promptly takes me off to a ward where he informs me I am to spend the night! Around 6 in the evening 2 chaps show up and wheel me in my bed off to have the MRI scan, I was in the blasted thing for 40mins with all that noise so came out of it with a massive migraine, I went back to the ward and spent a extremely nervous night there, terrible night not being able to sleep, noisy, people throwing up, people constipated and straining to go next to me, utter nightmare.

At around 2.30 my Oncologist and team came round and we went through everything, apparently the urine test were negative and the MRI didn't show any new lesions phew.......... however, now they want to do a CT scan on my brain, so off I go again in my bed being wheeled by 2 chaps to the CT scanner, scan complete they dragged me back to the ward where I sat nervously waiting for results.

Results through and no I haven't got breast cancer on my brain, the only plus out of all of this is that the scans were done in 24hours and I got the results almost immediately, normally I have to wait 6 weeks for results!

It was still a harrowing experience and one I would not wish on my worst enemy the waiting game, the needles, no veins all the usual fears wrapped into one huge shit sandwich.

Whilst I was cancer free the scans did pick up problems with my back and neck that will need attention and are a result of being on Herceptin and the other drugs affecting my bone density. Back aches, neck spasms are now part of the new norm for me.

Life with cancer is resumed and jolts me back to the reality of what I am living with.

Wish it would just fuck off.

The Great British Bake Off (Stand Up 2 Cancer)

Okay, heres the thing what the fuck are they doing promoting cake making in raising funds for cancer research. Apparently obesity causes cancer (or so they say) it begs belief that if they believe the media hype then why oh why would you make cakes to help fight it. Its ridiculous, don't get me wrong the celebrities that are doing this are trying to help and I applaud them in doing so, but there has to be a better way than baking flipping cakes!

Personally I do not believe obesity causes cancer, I was a slim size 8 had been my whole life when I was dx its only since I got dx that I put on weight and ironically put on most of the weight whilst living a super healthy lifestyle, no meat or diary just green juicing everyday. Obesity does not cause cancer, we still do not know what causes cancer and until we do we wont find a cure. Making those with cancer feel guilty that they in some way have contributed to them getting cancer is just plain evil.

CT Scaniety.....

Yep its that time of year again....no not just xmas....but yep you guessed it scan time!
It seems to come round so quickly and its my pet dread, not the actually scan its the hunt a vein game, my veins are shot from all the chemo so each time they need to put a cannula in me its a nightmare. I have to arrive 45mins before my appointment because it can take that long for them to get it in, then sometimes they try so many times they can't try anymore and I have to have the scan without contrast dye, the dye is very important it helps give them the best possible picture of my insides. However, this time although I was in dread, the lovely lady that dealt with me managed to get a little known vein in the crease of my arm which apparently pops up when you slightly bend and twist the arm. Apparently she discovered this vein when she was injecting heroin addicts and ever since has been using it on those of us affected with bad veins including chemo patients. I was eternally grateful to her for finding the vein and causing no pain, but not with being grouped in with the heroin addicts! lol.

Its done.....and over with for the next 6 months, now its playing the other part of the game the waiting bit. Results should be in by my next Onc. appointment which is scheduled for the 8th of December.

Getting the balance back

Its been a while since I last posted and I am happy to report, all is ok on the cancer front and I am adjusting to life without the ovaries. Hot flushes are still an unfortunate part of my life and I do hate them BUT winter is coming and the weather is cooler so life becomes less hot and bothered.

Last week I had a appointment with my new oncologist Dr G. is amazing I really get on with her and 

its been a long time since I actually spoke with a full fledged Onc. as my previous Onc. sadly died of liver cancer however, I always seemed to be dealt with by registrars. I've complained a lot of times about feeling out of balance, my size 32 chest has grown to a size 42 on the remaining breast and its a pain, not only is it massive and heavy its exasperated by the fact I can't wear a bra, I've tried every bra known to mankind and none of them are supportive and pain free. My problem is I had a lot of lymph nodes out and due to the fact that I was skinny (size 8 back then) the nodes were in with all the muscle which my surgeon had to dissect, it took him ages and he had to cut through muscle, my armpit area and my torso on the right hand side are badly scarred and so whenever I wear a bra no matter what type it digs into my scar tissue and ends up feeling very painful, so much so that I have to take the bra off after only half an hour! So this leaves me not wearing a bra most of the time and feeling very out of balance, Dr G. could see how out of balance I was carrying myself and suggested that she would refer me to a breast surgeon who could perform a mastectomy of the left hand side breast as a life enhancing operation. Fantastic! So I am now waiting for an appointment to see a breast surgeon and whilst they have a policy of not operating on a healthy breast they might when they realise how out of balance I carry myself and the ramifications of this on my body and life. Considering they perform breast enlargement on the NHS I think this isn't a big ask, considering what I've got and what I've been through. Dr G did explain that it wouldn't be this year as its not an emergency which is fine by me, I'd rather have it next year anyway. So fingers crossed this will happen and I will be rid of the massive boob that blights my life.

Life after ovaries operation...

Its been around 3 weeks since my ovaries were removed and so far I've had 3 migraines (I was up to around 4 a week previously) which is absolutely amazing and something I didn't anticipate, I also didn't think the hot flushes would get any better but bizarrely they have improved drastically, I no longer have the pulsating red face when I get a hot flush, rather sweat for a couple of minutes which pours off of my face then it stops and for once in 6 years I actually feel the cold, went out to the annual fireworks show and was feeling the cold, I was over joyed by this other people looked at me in astonishment but to me it was a major breakthrough, finally I can wear my cardigans and leggings without stripping down to a thin sleeveless dress all the time.

I am healing well where the scars are and they are literally disappearing before my eyes the only downside is I've put on a couple of pounds, not a huge amount but a bit of a disappointment, however I'm not going to let this get me down and rejoice at the migraine and hot flush results. I can safely say I am now post-menopausal just waiting for all the nasty side effects to stop and the results so far are giving me a much needed boost that this can and will happen. All in all I am very pleased with these results and feel happy in myself.

My father is battling the effects of his 2nd stroke and after 4 months in hospital! he is now in his own room in a convalescence home which we hope and pray he will improve in the next month or so and then finally return home. Its been a long 4 months but strokes really do take a long time to recover from, I don't think you ever really return to your normal self, but thankfully due to my brothers quickness in getting an ambulance, we believe this has saved as much of him as possible. I pray everyday for him and love him very much.

Della has departed but never forgotten.....

I don't really know where to start with this, tears over this, the wonderful Della has passed away, I didn't realise it was that bad, I knew she was struggling and prayed for her every day. This fucking vile disease takes yet another beautiful soul from the planet. The only consolation is she is no longer suffering. RIP discombobulated one, you were a tower of strength and an inspiration to all.

Night night Disco Della, I pray your dancing away up there in heaven having a ball, far away on the other side, blinding everyone with your brilliant light, leaving us all in the dark, but for the wit and writing in your wonderful blog http://discombobulateddel.blogspot.co.uk/ to console us.

Missing you so much. xx

Ovaries gone

It all happened so quickly one minute quietly going about my daily business not considering that within days my ovaries operation would happen. Both ovaries, fallopian tubes and a large polyp thingy have been removed, gone, goodbye, fini. Yep went into hospital at 7am came out on same day at 7pm a whole 12 hour stint in there bloody hell fire that was a full on kind of day. How do I feel? pretty much the same but for a bit sore around the abdomen also very itchy where the skin is mending other than that all is good. So far since op I've had one migraine WOW (I was suffering with up to 4 a week) and hot flushes are minimal and when they do happen they are nowhere near as bad as before. Mental or what? Didn't anticipate the plus side of having it all removed other than the obvious in that I don't have to have the Zoladex implant anymore Hurray! and Im not producing estrogen from my god dam ovaries YAY. So I will continue to talk to you all about this and any plus's that might arise in the area of weight loss, (secretly hoping that this might be a bloody fantastic side effect). My gynae consultant/surgeon came and saw me afterwards he told me that due to chemo my bowel had dropped inside and in doing so was now touching one of my ovaries, he said the part that was touching on my bowel was inflamed and looked very angry, so aside from the list above I would also like to add that I am so glad they have taken them, all sorts of problems from things touching each other that shouldn't be touching. This was a hidden benefit that I hadn't anticipated, so all in all totally happy with my decision to remove said ovaries and any possibility of getting ovarian cancer due to the Zoladex implant which apparently increased my risk ten fold. So adios amigos I wont miss em and I certainly wont mourn there loss.

High blood pressure, cholesterol, thyroid and possible diabetes????

Ok as you will presume from the title of this post I'm being tested for all of the above. High blood pressure due to it being in the family and I've only just found out. High cholesterol as when I have my thyroid checked they found and I quote my GP "your cholesterol level is off the scale" then never got back to me on it as she wanted to concentrate on the thyroid problem first which then seemed to disappear and all was forgotten about until I went in demanding a blood test to which another GP exclaimed "ah yes we were going to get you back in for checks as your blood pressure was high as was your cholesterol and also a little problem with both thyroid and possible diabetes" uh yeah!!! So whilst this doesn't worry me (only a little) it is annoying to find out I was in possible danger before but they forgot about me. Anyway I've had the blasted blood test now waiting for results urghhhh..... when will it ever end. Will keep you all posted on the results.

UPDATE I am now on Statins, as my cholesterol is sky high, considering I don't eat dairy and try to live a green, clean life with the odd cake chucked in once in a blue moon I can honestly say I don't know what to do about it. My new GP told me that she believes its side effects from all the chemo, and other drugs I am on and has nothing to do with what I eat or how much I exercise, so another bloody pill to take on a daily basis. My blood pressure was also high so for the past week I've been checking it twice a day and it does seem to go up and down. I am also borderline diabetic which they will continue to monitor and at present I don't need to go on drugs.

Cancer just keeps giving and giving.......

Massive news.....

Last Friday I went in for the results of my latest CT scan, the last one I actually had with dye contrast (they managed to get a needle in) so I was secretly dreading the outcome (you can see more with the contrast) basically I've got the all clear! Yep its happened I've got the all clear, the cancer on both lungs and liver has disappeared or as the Onc's Reg explained its so tiny we can't detect it on the CT scan. This is the best news ever........I am such a lucky, lucky, lucky girl. I knew about the lungs from the start but only found out by accident about the liver when I read a scan report that mentioned lesions on my liver!!! So for them to declare no sign of disease in both lungs and liver is mind blowing. Whilst I was feeling elated the Onc's Reg quickly came back to me with "but of course your never really going to get rid of it, its always going to be there, eventually it will come back, but we will deal with that as and when it shows itself, in the meantime your to continue indefinitely on Herceptin and Anastrozole" and swiftly back down to earth again with a thud. Yep they sure know how to drag you on that roller coaster don't they? I don't care what they say as far as I'm concerned I'm cancer free and I'm not going to let anyone bring me down about this news.

I am living proof that cancer by its very nature of being random can for no reason of its own just disappear. Obviously I've been down the clean and green path (although have too say I've fallen off the wagon recently and enjoy chocolate, biscuits and cake), I've taken every supplement known to man, taken a shit load of cannabis oil (especially in the first year of being dx), I've gone down the conventional route of being poisoned, cut and burned, all in all I've thrown everything at this shit and something has worked or is working and long may it continue.

Whilst walking on air out of the oncology department I waited outside for the other half to pick me up, another lady was waiting and we got chatting, she told me about her dx in her 40's (like me) over 20 years ago!!! with breast cancer, and that it had only just decided to show itself again and now she has all these options and drugs to try out, she told me to stay positive and live my life, she was a breath of fresh air, I figured that as I turn 50 this year if I get another 20 years of life I'll be 70 and that would be ok with me. I wouldn't want to live any longer than that anyway (after watching people in there 80s, 90s including my own grandmother who lived to 103 once you get to a certain age its best to go peacefully than to hang on to life that is full of illness and suffering).

In view of trying to maintain a normal-ish life I wont be posting as often as I used to and whilst this blog has been a constant source of comfort and help in venting and ranting, I would like to try and put the monkey on my shoulder even further behind me and in the distance. Of course I will from time to time post and will keep all of my readers up to date with surgery etc If anyone would like to speak to me or discuss anything at all please leave a comment and I will get back to you.

Remember to LIVE FOR THE MOMENT and SAVOUR EVERY SECOND.
LOVE AND LIGHT TO ALL  OF YOU. XXXX

Goodbye Ovaries

As the title of this post would suggest I have made up my mind and I am having them removed. I had an appointment at 11o'clock on Friday to see my newest edition to the 'Sarah Team' Gynaecologist Mr. H. who is very nice and really put my mind at ease, he performs the operation at least once a month and said it wouldn't make any difference to me other than not having to have Zoladex every 3 months. Also whilst I was there he checked out the Polyp thingy and yes its large and bearing down on my womb making me feel like I had a prolapse, its too big to remove whilst I am awake so he's removing it and the ovaries all at the same time whilst I am out of it, so all in all think I've made the right decision to have the operation. So appointment was at 11 he then sent me down for pre-ops where I was hours, I eventually got out of there at 3.30 feeling frazzled but relieved that that is now done, now I have to wait for the letter informing me when Im going in for the op.

Scan Update

All is ok, I had a phone call from my Onc's secretary yesterday telling me that the scan results were fine....... and breath. I was surprised that no one had sent me a letter with a results appointment but then this has happened before, waiting endlessly for results seems to be the new normal. See post headed Scanxiety.

A reprieve for 6 months YAY, no scan until September, but due to continued Herceptin I have to go in for an oncology appointment every 12 weeks.